Another lost to cancer

After writing a couple posts ago I may be less active, instead I have become a more active writer; go figure.
Anyway, today I just found out David Servan-Schreiber, the author of Anticancer: A New Way of Life died of terminal brain cancer last July.  I was actually going to check out his site to make sure it was linked correctly as I was going refer to it for something else, and I found the link dead.  So I looked up a few things to find he had died.
This saddens me.  His book Anticancer provided me with so much hope.  Again it often seems that there is no control in regards to cancer.  I hear so many different stories of people who have had healthy lifestyles who have been diagnosed or who have died of cancer, but likewise there are many who are not living so healthy that don't seem to be touched with health issues.  I still believe a healthy lifestyle can make a difference, but, perhaps we have way less say over our mortality than we think we do. Although, at best, I can say that the changes I have made in lifestyle have enhanced my general well-being and create a better balance in my life.

On appearances

Today I was reading a blog entry, ‘Looking Good’ by Sam Albert (http://ultra-sounds.org/author/skipthewheatgrass/). She writes about how people are always telling her how good she looks, as if there is an expectation that she may look worse, being ill.

This made me reflect on a recent interaction I had with a colleague whom I meet occasionally.   This time, she said, you know you are really looking good, if someone came to our table and we said one of us had cancer they wouldn’t know which one.  I questioned this and she added that I don’t have the dark circles under my eyes or the hollow look around my eyes any more.  I would say, I actually do have dark circles under my eyes still, but not as defined as before. Furthermore, this colleague on previous occasions has told me I look great, which I’m pretty sure was not the case; or perhaps the expectation, as Sam Albert surmised, is that someone whom is “battling" cancer would look worse.

This makes me think that either my supports are either trying to bring me up and make me feel better by telling a “little white lie” or they have really grave perceptions and are amazed by how well I fared through treatment.  Really, what does a cancer patient look like?  Certainly I see at the hospital and other places really ill and frail looking patients who have likely been battling for awhile and/or the cancer has progressed far enough to seriously impinge on bodily functions.  I saw this with my husband.  But even in his case, he really didn’t look gravely ill until the last 4-5 months of his life.  Short of the hair loss from certain chemotherapies and the weight loss side effects (both which are not givens in cancer treatments but common to cancer treatments), often cancer is an unseen illness for many patients, much like mental illness or chronic fatigue syndrome.  Many patients “pass” as healthy without any health concerns if one looks at outer appearances.  In the chemotherapy waiting area, it is interesting to look at the people and sometime the only thing giving away the patient is the hospital wristband.

Focusing on the Future

It is amazing how time can slip away.  It has been awhile it seems since I have written.  Somehow doing a little getaway with a friend for a few days and then having busy filled weekends and catching up on all the things I didn’t do while away. And of course the really amazing spring weather has lead to me being outside enjoying the unusually warm weather over being inside... somehow then I didn’t gather enough time to write.  Or perhaps there was not much really to expound upon.  I did take time to paint, of course. 

One thing I am aware of is the desire to move to a different space in my life. I feel, even though I am still processing all that has occurred in the past few years, I am noticing that I am starting to be more disengaged with the constant internal reflection that has been so actively engaging.  I guess on some level I recognize that I need to focus more on the future and put more energy towards developing my future.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the blog, but perhaps, right now I’m not going to be writing as frequently.  Really, perhaps not surprising given my entries have been less frequent in the past few months.

Another place to see what I’m up to is my website: www.abelcreation.com
Hopefully I’ll update with some new art soon.

a creative writing exercise

I just came across a neat creative exercise by Janet Ruffin http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2012/02/thrown-poems-shock-the-mind.html#more through the Ultrasounds blog (www.ultra-sounds.org). I just love this exercise, so I'm sharing it with everyone.
Choose a book, flip to a random page, randomly choose 3 words and 3 phrases; flip to another page and repeat; work the words until you have poem that emerges.
Here's mine:
From the four directions of the circle
Trust all responses are subjective.
Seriously, let feelings unfold
Coherence will emerge
Perspective will be convincingly intimate
Write, paint, sing!
Something essential that cannot be sacrificed.

The Connection that Continues

In the next couple of days I will be approaching the three year date since my husband’s passing.  This is a somewhat odd point in my journey of life.  First, on the concrete timeline aspect, I have actually been widowed longer than I have been married.  That sure is strange; yet it doesn’t feel like I have been away from my husband for three years.  I think this is because I not only think of him daily, but I experience his presence frequently.  Now, this may seem a bit weird to some, but what I have found is that as I talk about death with some of my closer friends, many of them have had experiences of the presence of a loved one after they have passed.

One of my friends suggested that I make a list of these experiences, so I figure that on this significant anniversary, why not share some things that have occurred.

There are some experiences that perhaps have been tricks of my brain, although since there has been so much frequency, I doubt it at this point.  In this category was the feeling of a breeze caressing my arm on the morning of my first wedding anniversary after my husband passed. More recently, after a very late night celebrating my birthday I was woken up early with a call from my brother to turn on my computer to Skype (he’s travelling Asia right now); I groggily went downstairs, started my computer; started a stovetop espresso and started emptying the dishwasher.  I know my habits and before taking off espresso off the stove I check to ensure the coffee has filled to the top; except I got caught in thoughts and forgot about my espresso until I finished unloading the dishwasher.  When I realized I forgot my espresso, I turned to the stove, thinking oh no my espresso, but the stove was off.  Perhaps I groggily turned it off, but I’m sure I didn’t.  The espresso was made perfectly.  My only explanation is my husband did it for me and I thanked him.

Other incidents, of a somewhat more concrete nature: walking into my home after being away all day and smelling espresso (my husband loved his coffee) throughout my house; going into a supermarket and hearing “Green Eyes” by Coldplay – a song that my husband knew I associated with him... and a song that I don’t think is typically played in public places, I don’t think it was released to radio etc. So, strange coincidence, perhaps, but I like to think it reflects my husband’s presence, and perhaps it makes the grief process more bearable, that somehow he is still with me in spirit. I like to think about it as part of our ongoing connection and ways to communicate despite being in different dimensions i.e. the physical  vs. the non-physical spiritual world.

Yesterday there was the weird thing of my cell phone not working when I was going to call my therapist to say I was late.  It kept resetting when I went to my contact list.  I arrived at my therapist’s and shared my apology for being late and explained my cell was doing weird things.  She shared her phone did something weird temporarily that she associated with the loss of someone she was close to and this lead to her sharing reflections written by one of her colleagues that she is collaborating with. The reflection actually answered a struggle I‘ve been having with my extended family.  In fact, if I did not share about my phone difficulties, I doubt that my therapist would have shared this with me and I don’t know if that would have become the content of the session, but this was the right thing for me to gain from session.  Interestingly my phone is now working properly.

So, make what you want out of these incidents (and there are more than I have shared). I personally like to think of it as connection that continues.