flash mob

The past few months I have been really engaging life and all it has to offer. Part of this is seeking out new experiences and things that I can be passionate about.  To these ends, last month I decided, with three other friends, to participate in a flash mob. It was totally invigorating to participate, and I'd highly recommend it to others.
Here's a video link to the flash mob that I was part of with my friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtJvloirAlo

Proust Questionnaire

While I was doing my radiation treatments (a good year and a half ago) I responded to the questions of "The Proust Questionnaire" to pass time in the waiting room day after day.  This activity was inspired by an interview of my niece, poet Adebe D.A.
What I found most interesting is not my answers but the fact that over a year and a half later my answers are basically the same... which perhaps there is truth that one's answers to these questions are a reflection of personality.
As an aside, Proust's answers may be found via Wikipedia.
Here are the questions with my answers.

What is your dream of happiness?
My dream of happiness is to have positive, loving family and friend relationships, good health, no more major life-shaking difficulties, work that I love doing in an environment of my choosing, a home of tranquility, opportunity to do art making every day; having time to cook for friends and family. Of course, happiness is a choice to make the best of whatever situation I find myself in.
What is your idea of misery?
My idea of misery is to lack the imagination and to perceive myself as stuck without options.
Where would you like to live?
I would like to live exactly where I am.
What qualities do you most admire in a man?
I admire integrity and compassion.
What qualities do you most admire in a woman?
In women I admire the same qualities (integrity and compassion) along with having the chutzpah to stand up for herself in a graceful and dignified way.
What is you chief characteristic?
Creativity.
What is your principle fault?
Inattention.
What is your greatest extravagance?
buying clothes from local designers
What faults in others are you most tolerant of?
I am most tolerant of tardiness and absentmindedness.
What do you value most about your friends?
I most value my friend's emotional support, care and vibrant conversations.
What characteristic do you most dislike in others?
I most dislike prejudice and close-mindedness (rigidity)
What characteristic do you dislike most in yourself?
My tendency to get sucked into time-wasting activities (perhaps this is one of them :) )
What is your favourite virtue?
Gratitude
What is your favourite occupation?
is creating (art-making)
What would you like to be?
I would like to be without limitations; to have the "freedom" to pursue whatever interests  me in the moment.
What is your favourite colour?
Chartreuse green
What is your favourite bird?
Dove (peace)
What is your favourite flower?
Cymbidium (green) orchids or purple & yellow irises
What historical figure do you most admire?
I most admire historical figures who continue on with their passion despite obstacles and adversity (there are so many it is too hard to name one)
What character in history do you most dislike?
I most dislike the ones who have wielded power unethically and have caused mass atrocities (i.e. Idi Amin, Hilter, Kihlmer Rouge, etc.)
Who are are your favourite prose authors?
Oh so many: Margaret  Atwood, Amy Tan, Michael Ondaatje, Nick Bantok, Carol Shields, Ann Michaels, Robertson Davies
Who are your favourite poets?
Adebe D.A. (yep, I'm biased), e.e. cummings, Lorna Crozier, Dennis Lee, Rumi 
Who are are your favourite heroes in fiction?
Hagar from Stone Angel
Who are your heroes in real life?
Al, my brother, my dad
Who is your favourite painter?
Picasso, Pollock,  Frida Kahlu, Lauren Harris, Emily Carr
Who is your favourite musician?
Yo-yo Ma, Radiohead, Ella Fitzgerald, Lang Lang, Glenn Gould, Moby
What is your favourite food?
sushi, classic cannoli (the kind stuffed with mascarpone and bits of citrus peel), dark chocolate
What is your favourite drink?
water
What are your favourite names?
Isaiah and Isabella
What is it you most dislike?
I dislike prejudice/racism. (pet peeve, trimming nails in public spaces)
What natural talent would you most like to possess?
I would like to be more athletic
How do you want to die?
I would like to die peacefully when at rest with no pain after a very long life.
What is the current state of mind?
pragmatically patient is what I wrote a year and a half ago; today it is optimistic
What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?
To have not gone insane.
What is your motto?
After one in- and one out- breath we have already become a different person. Thich Nhat Hahn, No Death, No Fear

Reader, if you got this far, I hope you enjoyed.

Shifting Awareness

It has been awhile since I have posted anything.  I think this is because I have been working away at trying to figure out how I want to return to life post-treatment, what I want to create in my life for my life. I realize there are many things I want to shift in some way or change.  In part, this is a lifestyle change, but this is also related to how I perceive my health and wanting to ensure that any changes I make are going to create something better for myself and my son.

One of the changes I'm planning is this blog.  The focus for so long has been on my journey of widowhood and cancer treatment.  I plan to shift the focus to be reflective about what enriches my life and what brings me joy.  I hope that what I may share can be a source of inspiration for readers.

To start this new approach, I'll share on of my favourite quotes by buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn from his book No Death, No Fear:



"After one in- and out-breath we  have already become a different person."

book review: What Makes Us Healthy by Caroline Myss

FTC Disclosure: I received this audio book for free from Hay House Publishing for review purposes.  The opinions are completely my own based on my own perspectives.

So a couple of months ago I posted a book review on my blog.  Part of the deal from Hay House is that I receive the book for free if I review it on my blog. The first book I reviewed was great.  Unfortunately I cannot say the same for the second book – actually an audio book, being a cd set of a live lecture from Caroline Myss (actually pronounced mass).

What kept going through my mind as I pondered what I can write about this six cd set lecture is, “Caroline Myss is miss for me.” Ultimately, I think she does have some useful, thought-provoking things to say, I recall her questioning the use of the powerful word transformation, and questioning if we (collectively) even understand what transformation means in the larger context of energy. Fair enough assessment however, this cd set, titled “What Makes Us Healthy? Did not really address health (mental, physical, spiritual) at all, in my mind.  I heard a lot of was what you should not do and how “we” collectively are all sharing the same illusions, but I did not hear much about how to nurture the inner world of the soul as is indicated on the blurb on the back of the cd set.  Further the additional byline of “Understanding Mystical Law and Your Parallel Reality” was addressed by way of a historical argument of how we are as a society in relation to the Mystical Laws; and she delved into parallel realities and the possibility of living other lives in a parallel manner. I don’t know if she provided enough for me to facilitate further understanding this concept and how it impacts our health.

 I think the biggest problem with this lecture is that it is a lecture.  The way Caroline Myss expresses herself bars on ranting and raving.  I recall there were many “you” statements stating things about what “you” are “addicted to” that I felt were assumptive and misguided.  I struggled to get pass cd 1.  I thought, why is this woman yelling at her audience with all these assumptions about how they think or experience life? Of course curiosity led me to wonder does she do this for the whole 6 cds?  What about making it through the cds for the intended review that I signed up for? Fortunately by cd 3 Ms. Myss had changed her tone somewhat, but the accusatory aspects still seemed to creep up within the framework of addiction. Ms Myss does have a few nuggets of insight, but I found her approach distasteful.

Recently, in listening to another speaker who challenges realities, who I really like, I can say that Caroline Myss comes off as abrasive where as the other speaker I’ve been listening to persistently challenges but in a way respectful, encouraging dialogue whereby he is not the “source of all knowledge” but rather a guide to help us grow our ideas based on his own journey.  I suspect that Caroline Myss’s approach is to “shock” her audience into questioning themselves and to provide “facts” of Mystical Law, however this just lead to me questioning Ms. Myss’s credibility and (misdirected?) anger.  Perhaps this is a piece of learning for me to not assume when although something looks like it could be appealing and an easy task, i.e. enjoy a book, learning something new and to write a book review, it can end up being a onerous task that I wish I didn’t have; that perhaps, I need to choose more wisely.

.

 

recipe: vegan chocolate mousse

I decided to post a recipe after determining I am sure that this is truly a great recipe.  I now have tried this recipe out on my extended family, all who loved it (with one request to make it sweeter), and all were amazed one of the main ingredients is avocado.  I first heard of this recipe on Dr. Oz or some sort of similar talk show and the sweetening was from Medjool dates.  This certainly made the consistency quite thick.  I have looked on-line for similar recipes and made some minor variations.  I have also made this recipe to accommodate the diabetics and those who are lactose intolerant in my family.

Vegan Chocolate Mousse
(now you can indulge and feel healthy about it!)

makes about 8,  1/2 cup servings

6 ripe avocados (the smaller sized ones)
1 1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp (if that) of stevia powder (if this is not in your pantry, you can always double the ingredient you decide to use for sweetening)
1/4 cup agave syrup (which may be substituted by honey, maple syrup or the like)
1/2 cup almond milk (which may be replace by rice milk, soy milk etc.)

This can work in a blender, however I found it mixes up better in my food processor.
Blend the avocados in the food processor.   Add the vanilla, stevia and agave syrup. Add cocoa powder 1/4 cup at a time alternating with the almond milk, also being added little by little (I used about 1 Tbsp at a time). Blend thoroughly and make sure there are no clumps of cocoa left. Adjust the mixture to your taste: adding more sweetener if you like sweeter, or more almond milk if the consistency is too thick.
Serve mixture in individual cups.  I like to add some berries on top.
Enjoy.

Thanksgiving

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It is always a time of year that I love.  Earlier this week I found myself driving out to the countryside to visit with a friend and her new baby, along with dropping of some remnants from my son's babyhood.  As I drove on the winding highway out of the city and into the countryside I savoured the breathtaking views of autumn foliage, the reds, oranges, yellows and greens that harmonize in the just right way to be spectatcular.  I love the crispness of the air and the beauty that surrounds me every day.  From the blue morning glories faithfully flowering as they creep over to my neighbour's side of the fence to the last little green tomatoes stubbornly persisting despite the cooler weather.
I like Thanksgiving and the associated family feasts:  the great home cooked dinners with pies for dessert. The company of loved ones sharing together.  My family meets for meals frequently, but there is something different about the "special" occasions.
The opportunity to be reminded about what I am thankful for happens at this time of year.  I try to remember what I am grateful for daily and I'm attempting to connect my son to these ideas, but Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to really engage this conversation.
This time of  year coincides with my husband's birthday which almost always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. Now, it is a time when I reflect on him a little more than usual and what his birth gave to the world and those who knew him.  It is also the time of year when my sister-in-law, niece, son and myself (sometimes other family members but we seem to be the core group) go on a hike in husband's honour.  It's not like we say it is in his honour, but hiking is something I did frequently with Al and my family makes the effort to go to one of the places we would hike; we pack a lunch and enjoy the beauty while reflecting on our surroundings. Inevitably we talk about what Al would say or think or be doing; and somehow, by divine or simple spiritual connection I always feel Al is present with us and I leave these hikes refreshed and feeling as if I spent the day with Al.
 

On survivorship

While walking this morning I realized I actually have too many thoughts on which I want to write about.  I think this is because I set aside less time to write and I have been engaging life more.  I look at this as good.  The main theme of my many thoughts is around holding the space of survivorship, or recovery post cancer treatment.

When I was first diagnosed, I had a wise person say to me, "You are just taking a walk beside cancer for a short while, don't let it take over your life." This is so true.  I know in the depths of treatment last summer I felt like all my decisions and ways of being were influenced by my health issues.  As the lengthy treatment became less demanding I started focusing on more of what I want.  Now that treatment is basically done (except Tamoxifen which I am to be on for 5 years) I am really trying to re-engage life.  I am starting to part ways with cancer, but the disengagement is slow.  I think this is what survivorship is.  The struggle between re-engaging life and disengaging the "walk with cancer" as cancer (treatment) tends to have such a strong presence.

Somehow, I thought, despite seeing several family members' struggles with cancer treatment, that after I finished the bulk of treatment I would somehow be at a better energy level by now.  I thought that I could just jump right into my old life somehow, but it doesn't work that way.  Somehow while walking with cancer I ended up on a different path.  Not entirely different from before, but the path changed.  I look at how I spend my time differently, I look at my health differently, I want to shift the work I do to use the knowledges I have gained in the past few years to help others.  These are changes for sure.  I hope they are better changes that will create an even more enriching and balanced life.

The other thing about survivorship is that I look "great" according to people around me and "you would never know that you are a cancer survivor".   Somehow this lends itself to thinking that it is time to get right back to where one left off prior to diagnosis.  But it's not that easy.  Take this past fun and enjoyable weekend. There was a pool birthday party; time with my folks; taking in Buskerfest; learning to make home-made gnocchi with my mom-in-law; meals with friends and family, so I didn't even cook, I just drove my son and myself around to the various outings. I know I slept solidly each night; and many friends would say anyone would be tired after so much activity. But honestly, I know I am exhausted today and likely going to sleep for a good portion of today.  It's a tricky balance.  I want to live life fully and offer a lot of variety and richness to my son's life; and then there is what I notice I can handle... and likely the responsibility of work, as I know the return will come soon, is really going to challenge the balance I want.

I suspect many cancer survivors feel this way.  I know in early summer, of the other women I met through the Rethink Breast Cancer group, three of the women went back to work early for various reasons.  I know all three reported they should have taken their time to go back and not rush into things.  I am trying to heed this advice and not worry about the return to work, nor overthink things.  I know there are changes I want to make as I re-engage in life and I think about my work life quite a bit.  However I know I should not rush things.  This is again, one of the challenges of survivorship, how to pace oneself and give yourself permission to take your time. Just because I envisioned myself having better energy and being more fully back into the activities I immerse myself in, does not mean I need to be there.  More importantly I am trying to be in the moment: not to overthink the future nor dwell in the past. 

More Art & Art for Cancer Foundation

I meant to post this entry a couple of weeks ago, I think because I meant to add photots of my art from the workshop and forgot about, so here it is.

The other week I participated in another Art for Cancer Foundation (www.artforcancerfoundation.org) workshop.  This one was using watercolours.  However it was using watercolour crayons and these are really intense wet-on-wet watercolour paints that I had never encountered before.  I've only used the watercolour pucks in past.  The results I think are quite amazing, although I think I need more technique to get used to the movement of the paint with water and to be cautious about over saturating the colour. Nonetheless, lots of fun.  And, another perk of the workshop was seeing a few participants that I've met before.  It is nice to reconnect while doing art.
Another Art for Cancer event is their upcoming Gala in the end of October and then they will be releasing a book that documents the City Hall exhibit that I was part of. Here's a preview:  http://artforcancerfoundation.org/upcoming-events/toronto-city-hall-event/the-book/

One of the things I've realized with meeting other patients at some recent Art for Cancer events is the uniqueness of the recovery stage past treatment; whether considered "without evidence of disease" or continuing to live with disease and perhaps even run out of treatment options.  I find when I meet other people who have recently completed treatment there are definitely shared experiences.  It is reassuring to meet other who are just as sensitive about what they injest. To start understanding the "new normal" that has arisen.  To understand how the fatigue and continue for months, and sometimes years after treatment.  That somehow the experiences of cancer and its treatment creates some similar shared perspective on life: to not sweat the small stuff; to really be focused on creating meaningful existences; and be mindful to take care of our fragile yet resilient bodies.

The watercolours:

 

book review: Meals that Heal Inflammation

Today I’m doing something a little different on the blog.  I decided to participate in Hay House’s offer to send a free book if I review it on my blog.  I thought that was a pretty good deal.   I chose Meals that Heal Inflammation as I am always looking for new ideas and more information about food and how it relates to health.  This book in particular piqued my interest as cancer is known to be related to inflammatory conditions in the body.  Further, since treatment, I have found that I have had joint issues and it looks like arthritis is developing; and of course arthritis is an inflammatory condition too.

Meals that Heal Inflammation (http://www.amazon.com/Meals-That-Heal-Inflammation-Eliminate/dp/140194034X/) is a thoughtfully written book.  I appreciate how it is organized with easy to find information that is recapped and referenced.  I have tried out a number of different diets since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I certainly think the ideas behind the book are helpful.  Author Julie Daniluk states that there is no right diet for anyone, everyone is unique. What Julie provides is a method to figure out what your own food sensitivities are.  She covers the various reasons why inflammation may occur and addresses lifestyle aspects that can help reduce the impact of inflammation.  The book has point form summaries of each chapter and the layout is easy to read and easy to find information.  There are quizzes and easy tables to quickly assess your needs.  Then, Julie provides a plan to slowly remove foods from your diet that are likely culprits of inflammation – whether allergen based or a health condition.  Also, given the wide variety of sensitivities people have, Julie includes practical suggestions to accommodate, say a soy based sensitivity/allergy so recipes can be altered to individual needs.

I tried out some of the 120 recipes that are included in this book.  I think the recipes fared well.  My four year old son liked the pesto (cheese and nut free) and the African Nut Butter Stew. The Dijon chicken recipe didn’t fare as well with my son, but my parents both liked it.  The only one I tried and didn’t get feedback on is the best carrot cake ever which I brought to friends but we didn’t get to eating it; however I’m looking forward to trying out the recipe again soon along with many more of the recipes. It can be hard to come across good recipes that are dairy, wheat, gluten and nightshade vegetable free; all of the recipes fit these criteria. What a delight.

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for review purposes.  The opinions are completely my own based on my own perspectives.

Summery Shifts

Today I'm pondering shifts.  I'm thinking of either merging my blog with my website or at least changing the byline on my blog.  I think I am at a point where despite the significant events of widowhood and becoming a cancer patient which have dominated my life, they are not all there is to me.  Further, I've been finding as I heal I want to shift the focus from "the problems" to just perspectives on life.  Certainly my experiences with cancer and widowhood inform my perspective, but I don't think I want them to take a leading role, per se.

The other factor influencing me is time.  I love writing, doing art, playing piano. I also love spending time with friends and family, which will likely fill much of my time into August. So with that in mind, I hope anyone reading this experiencing summer is enjoying the hot weather and finding many summery activities to be engaged in.

I'll share an unusal summer activity I found to do this week: play a piano in a park.  In Toronto, there is a promotion for the Pan Am Games and there are 41 pianos placed around the city for the public to just play.  What a delight to see a piano in nature and then the trepidation to play as I am terrible at memorizing any piece in its entirety.

Be tuned in, I may be doing a book review or two on the site before the end of summer.

More Art

I wanted to share the results of my terrific experience participating in Art for Cancer Foundation's trial 5 week workshop. The workshop was great on so many levels.  I learned new techniques and got to experiment.  The art is so engaging for me that I don't think about anything else, except creating art.  I met interesting people, perhaps it says something about the people who would seek out this kind of support during thier cancer journey.  One of the neat things is that we don't formally talk about cancer and since it isn't the focus, there is a break from the constant focus that being a cancer patient demands.  Likewise for those who are actively engaged in treatment, there is no explanation needed for all the side effects.  Everyone present has been engaged in a similar process on some level, so no explanation needed.

Here's my art from the 5 sessions:

untitled: pastels

Sunflower & Butterfly: ink, acrylic, gesso

Picked: tissue paper, napkin paper, fiber, acrylic, ink

Golden Hills: gesso texture, sand, acrylic and metallic glaze

the screening dilemma resolved: tissue paper, newspaper, gesso texture, acrylic, glaze

reflections on end of treatment

Here I am staring at a blank page wondering what to write.  Perhaps it is because I'm at what appears to be the end of my cancer journey. Ten days ago I had my last Herceptin treatment and this Friday I have the port removed. In the past month since my last entry (I can't believe how quickly time has passed by) I've been on a yoga retreat, submitted art to more shows, lots of the usual social outings, and the usual household and mommy stuff.  All pretty good and positive. However ending treatment is odd.  I'm definitely happy to not have to be showing up to and anticipating having the port removed makes me a bit giddy and long with the anticipation to just live my days without showing up to a hospital every few weeks or more frequently.  There also is apprehension: about what next? how will I adjust to returning to work? will I be able to retain my health?
The wisest words I've come across is just keep stepping one foot in front of the other. Really, now matter what happens, it is most important to be in the present moment and keep living life to its fullest.

Poem

I thought I would share a poem I wrote about a week or so ago.

Crossing the Finish Line

The super sticky
white
steristrips
are looking dog-earred
and grey
day by day
one falling off here
another there.

The last reminants
of the year long
cancer treatments
that ravaged
my body
and wearied
my brain.

Avenging the reckless
little tumor that
decided to try
and make a home
in my left breast.

In addition to the poem, I'll share what happened a few days ago when I did take the last of the steristrips off.  I took them off at night before bed.  The next morning my son came into my room and that was the first thing he notice: "Momma, you don't have any band-aids!  Momma, that means we can tussle" (play fight). I affirmed, this is true.  Then my son said, "Momma, we need to celebrate.  We need to make chocolate pancakes." So we did.

What would you do?

Perspective is such a strange thing.  Yesterday I was at the chemotherapy unit (and I am very happy to say I have one more treatment left). It was unusually quiet and I settled into my book with a few other patients milling around.   A few minutes into my wait, a young couple came into the wait area, the man was in a wheelchair and promptly collapsed himself onto the bench seating nearby me exclaiming how everything hurt, making an oh so familiar sound of discomfort. His partner put his head on her lap and was stroking it.  I was quickly transported back four years to when I was trying to support and be there for my husband.  It became hard to not scrutinize this young couple further, but I really didn't want to stare. 
As we sat waiting for our respective treatments, I couldn't help but feel the desire to reach out to them.  I wanted to say, "Hey, I've been there" or "If you want to talk to someone who knows that space, here's where you can reach me." But I didn't say a thing. I felt at the same time I'd be intruding; really, a moral dilemma.  They, of course, had no idea what knowledge I hold, and I did not want to impose.  I found myself starting to compose a letter:
Hi anonymous young couple,
I don't know your situation, nor do I want to intrude. What appears is something I strongly relate to.  Perhaps you, the young woman, could be me 4 years ago - my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer which then became terminal.  If you want someone to talk to that's "been there" you're welcome to contact me...
The couple got called for treatment before I finished the letter and had a chance to discreetly slip it to the young woman. I learned something from this.  I have been thinking a lot about "what next" for my future and pondering the possiblity of doing work with families impacted by cancer/bereavement.  I figure if I had such a strong desire to reach out, that perhaps this is an area to explore despite my hesitations, despite logically wondering if I want my life experiences of the past few years to become my work life and career.

Another lost to cancer

After writing a couple posts ago I may be less active, instead I have become a more active writer; go figure.
Anyway, today I just found out David Servan-Schreiber, the author of Anticancer: A New Way of Life died of terminal brain cancer last July.  I was actually going to check out his site to make sure it was linked correctly as I was going refer to it for something else, and I found the link dead.  So I looked up a few things to find he had died.
This saddens me.  His book Anticancer provided me with so much hope.  Again it often seems that there is no control in regards to cancer.  I hear so many different stories of people who have had healthy lifestyles who have been diagnosed or who have died of cancer, but likewise there are many who are not living so healthy that don't seem to be touched with health issues.  I still believe a healthy lifestyle can make a difference, but, perhaps we have way less say over our mortality than we think we do. Although, at best, I can say that the changes I have made in lifestyle have enhanced my general well-being and create a better balance in my life.

On appearances

Today I was reading a blog entry, ‘Looking Good’ by Sam Albert (http://ultra-sounds.org/author/skipthewheatgrass/). She writes about how people are always telling her how good she looks, as if there is an expectation that she may look worse, being ill.

This made me reflect on a recent interaction I had with a colleague whom I meet occasionally.   This time, she said, you know you are really looking good, if someone came to our table and we said one of us had cancer they wouldn’t know which one.  I questioned this and she added that I don’t have the dark circles under my eyes or the hollow look around my eyes any more.  I would say, I actually do have dark circles under my eyes still, but not as defined as before. Furthermore, this colleague on previous occasions has told me I look great, which I’m pretty sure was not the case; or perhaps the expectation, as Sam Albert surmised, is that someone whom is “battling" cancer would look worse.

This makes me think that either my supports are either trying to bring me up and make me feel better by telling a “little white lie” or they have really grave perceptions and are amazed by how well I fared through treatment.  Really, what does a cancer patient look like?  Certainly I see at the hospital and other places really ill and frail looking patients who have likely been battling for awhile and/or the cancer has progressed far enough to seriously impinge on bodily functions.  I saw this with my husband.  But even in his case, he really didn’t look gravely ill until the last 4-5 months of his life.  Short of the hair loss from certain chemotherapies and the weight loss side effects (both which are not givens in cancer treatments but common to cancer treatments), often cancer is an unseen illness for many patients, much like mental illness or chronic fatigue syndrome.  Many patients “pass” as healthy without any health concerns if one looks at outer appearances.  In the chemotherapy waiting area, it is interesting to look at the people and sometime the only thing giving away the patient is the hospital wristband.

Focusing on the Future

It is amazing how time can slip away.  It has been awhile it seems since I have written.  Somehow doing a little getaway with a friend for a few days and then having busy filled weekends and catching up on all the things I didn’t do while away. And of course the really amazing spring weather has lead to me being outside enjoying the unusually warm weather over being inside... somehow then I didn’t gather enough time to write.  Or perhaps there was not much really to expound upon.  I did take time to paint, of course. 

One thing I am aware of is the desire to move to a different space in my life. I feel, even though I am still processing all that has occurred in the past few years, I am noticing that I am starting to be more disengaged with the constant internal reflection that has been so actively engaging.  I guess on some level I recognize that I need to focus more on the future and put more energy towards developing my future.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the blog, but perhaps, right now I’m not going to be writing as frequently.  Really, perhaps not surprising given my entries have been less frequent in the past few months.

Another place to see what I’m up to is my website: www.abelcreation.com
Hopefully I’ll update with some new art soon.

a creative writing exercise

I just came across a neat creative exercise by Janet Ruffin http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2012/02/thrown-poems-shock-the-mind.html#more through the Ultrasounds blog (www.ultra-sounds.org). I just love this exercise, so I'm sharing it with everyone.
Choose a book, flip to a random page, randomly choose 3 words and 3 phrases; flip to another page and repeat; work the words until you have poem that emerges.
Here's mine:
From the four directions of the circle
Trust all responses are subjective.
Seriously, let feelings unfold
Coherence will emerge
Perspective will be convincingly intimate
Write, paint, sing!
Something essential that cannot be sacrificed.

The Connection that Continues

In the next couple of days I will be approaching the three year date since my husband’s passing.  This is a somewhat odd point in my journey of life.  First, on the concrete timeline aspect, I have actually been widowed longer than I have been married.  That sure is strange; yet it doesn’t feel like I have been away from my husband for three years.  I think this is because I not only think of him daily, but I experience his presence frequently.  Now, this may seem a bit weird to some, but what I have found is that as I talk about death with some of my closer friends, many of them have had experiences of the presence of a loved one after they have passed.

One of my friends suggested that I make a list of these experiences, so I figure that on this significant anniversary, why not share some things that have occurred.

There are some experiences that perhaps have been tricks of my brain, although since there has been so much frequency, I doubt it at this point.  In this category was the feeling of a breeze caressing my arm on the morning of my first wedding anniversary after my husband passed. More recently, after a very late night celebrating my birthday I was woken up early with a call from my brother to turn on my computer to Skype (he’s travelling Asia right now); I groggily went downstairs, started my computer; started a stovetop espresso and started emptying the dishwasher.  I know my habits and before taking off espresso off the stove I check to ensure the coffee has filled to the top; except I got caught in thoughts and forgot about my espresso until I finished unloading the dishwasher.  When I realized I forgot my espresso, I turned to the stove, thinking oh no my espresso, but the stove was off.  Perhaps I groggily turned it off, but I’m sure I didn’t.  The espresso was made perfectly.  My only explanation is my husband did it for me and I thanked him.

Other incidents, of a somewhat more concrete nature: walking into my home after being away all day and smelling espresso (my husband loved his coffee) throughout my house; going into a supermarket and hearing “Green Eyes” by Coldplay – a song that my husband knew I associated with him... and a song that I don’t think is typically played in public places, I don’t think it was released to radio etc. So, strange coincidence, perhaps, but I like to think it reflects my husband’s presence, and perhaps it makes the grief process more bearable, that somehow he is still with me in spirit. I like to think about it as part of our ongoing connection and ways to communicate despite being in different dimensions i.e. the physical  vs. the non-physical spiritual world.

Yesterday there was the weird thing of my cell phone not working when I was going to call my therapist to say I was late.  It kept resetting when I went to my contact list.  I arrived at my therapist’s and shared my apology for being late and explained my cell was doing weird things.  She shared her phone did something weird temporarily that she associated with the loss of someone she was close to and this lead to her sharing reflections written by one of her colleagues that she is collaborating with. The reflection actually answered a struggle I‘ve been having with my extended family.  In fact, if I did not share about my phone difficulties, I doubt that my therapist would have shared this with me and I don’t know if that would have become the content of the session, but this was the right thing for me to gain from session.  Interestingly my phone is now working properly.

So, make what you want out of these incidents (and there are more than I have shared). I personally like to think of it as connection that continues.

Always more to learn

Today I started attending a group run by Rethink Breast cancer (www.rethinkbreastcancer.com).  I thought it would be good to have a place to meet other women/mothers who are in a similar situation.  After the first session, definitely good.  I'll be looking forward to it and my son, I think, enjoyed the children's group.
As gathering with any group of people there can be new things learned. One thing, in this group of women, there seemed to be the startling prevalence of breast cancer development while nursing; and subsequent misdiagnosis because of nursing, thus putting these particular women at further risk becasue their tumors were growing quite large at alarming rates prior to being properly diagnosed.  I know this was not the whole group's experience, and perhaps this group of women is not representative of younger women with breast cancer (although I suspect it is), but it was a theme that occurred a few times and seemed to sit with me.  Again I feel lucky that I have doctors who listened to me and were active in referring me to the high risk screening program. Again, I think that it is so important to listen to you body and be a strong advocate for yourself.

I also heard many stories that reflected my experience of treatment and the feelings of isolation as typically one's friends are not going through cancer treatment with you and although fully supportive and empathetic, it can be hard to feel others truly understand at times.  One of the neat things out of today's group was finding out about a website that is a platform for organizing volunteers, www.lotsahelpinghands.com. This site is designed to enter the e-mails for your support community and to list the tasks that you need support with.  I sure wished I knew of this site when I was first diagnosed as I had many offers to help and it would have been a way to organize them rather than just calling people ad hoc or relying on accepting whatever was being offered in the moment.

Writing of this great support through Rethink and of the new site I learned of today, reminds me of another great support, ART for Cancer Foundation, which is hosting two watercolour workshops in the next couple of weeks.  If you are in the Toronto area and interested, check out http://artforcancerfoundation.org/programs/
By the way, for people following my blog, the art exhibit through ART for Cancer Foundation went well. Here's my art on display:

The written blurb included with the art is as follows:

Somehow I came to the most unexpected, rough patch on the bumpy road of life. As a clinical social worker I thought myself fairly well resourced, but even the well resourced need to have their outlets.  Painting became mine.

My paintings reflect different points in my healing journey. I started to engage visual art during studio time while taking an Expressive Art Therapy training.  The smaller painting, Dead or Alive (oil on canvas, 8” x 10”), is my first visual art piece I created that emerged out of a movement based class that ignited an alternative reality experience that I knew I needed to paint.  At this point, I had only been writing as a means to address the loss of my husband to cancer six months before.

By springtime, about a year after my husband’s death, I was painting more abstract. I found myself playing with colours and movement on canvas, often painting in the little windows of time in my busy, hectic life.  The larger painting I call Gestation (acrylic on canvas, 24” x 30”) was created around the time I first felt some interest in actively engaging in life again.

Just under two years after my husband’s passing, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent time trying to release anything that could be a blockage or a detriment to my health.  In a guided meditation focused on release, I had a strong visual image of the painting that became Firewoman.  I believe this was a point of emotional and spiritual transformation which I have continued to develop as I proceed through the rigours of treatment.

When I started painting, I found that I could not stop.  Even as a single parent of a small child, I felt I needed to carve out time to have this mode of self-expression. Painting became a means of expressing what could not be expressed by words: an elixir to release the complicated emotions inside and a salve to the pain I was carrying within.

I thought I would share.  If you are interested in seeing more of my artwork, please check out my website, www.abelcreation.com