On tranformation

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.  I must admit this recent treatment took a bit out of me.  First, it's a new set of drugs, then there are the steroids that they ask me to take to better tolerate the drugs and to minimize reactions.  The steroids really hyped me up (see last blog entry), but with chemo drugs that are supposed to fatigue more than the last set, well, it was inevitable that I would crash and it is only now that I seem to be picking myself up to have enough energy for things beyond the basics needed for living my day to day life with my little guy.
I have made time for myself, despite the fatigue. I am dedicated to the idea of tranformation, especially around the emotionally difficult.  This time of year is difficult for me as it is my wedding anniversay (June 17 would have been 5 years), Father's Day and my son's birthday (bittersweet as I love celebrating with my son but it always seems so evident that his dad is not here). Back to transformation, two years ago with my first wedding anniversay without Al, I was still quite numb and in a very difficult spot.  Through a variety of limitations of people's schedules, I ended up negotiating my leave of absence with my workplace on this day.  I had my very close childhood friend come and help with this process.
After sorting out my leave of absence, needing to relax and celebrate that the negotiation was done, we went to a nice restaurant to eat. We found we cried, we talked about Al and what wonderful things he taught us and what an amazing husband and dad he was.  We drank wine and ordered food "that Al would approve of." Al and I really connected over food, some would call us foodies and we really enjoyed variety and quality of food (both that we would cook ourselves and that which is made for us). Since, June 17 has become a day to go out with this friend (and her husband this year) and have "food Al would approve of". Sorta a celebration of life and love and great food. This year we went to a restaurant that focuses on farm fresh meats and produce (pretty much all organic, free range, grass fed, etc), only cooking what is in season and what they procure from the farmers they work with.  We shared a wonderful cheese platter, I had pork done two ways on wilted kale with a purple potato latke, and we shared a coffeecake (baked in a jam jar) with a espresso creme anglais. Thoroughly enjoyable, making my taste buds dance (despite the horrible mouth sores that developed at the top of my throat).  I was determined I was going to enjoy the dinner as really, the date is inescapable and tears and missing feelings tend to predominate. So I roll with it and try and find some things to look forward to and make the day different, something to celebrate rather than mourn.
Father's Day and hopefully my son's birthday, have become big family gatherings.  I do work with my son and ask what he wants to do for Father's Day.  He wanted to draw pictures to put at his dad's gravesite. So that's what we do. After we had an outing with my folks and then spent the evening with my husband's family & my folks having a big Italian meal that my mom-in-law likes to do for celebrations. My son's birthday celebration with family will be another big gathering, only at my home with everyone being recruited to help with set up/ clean up/ food.  There is something about being near family (or friends), enjoying each others' company and cheer that allows for these difficult days be a little less difficult.

using insomnia

I don't usually have insomnia.  I usually sleep soundly. My greatest bad habit of sleep is staying up too late, but not usually this late (my computer time says 2:55 am). I believe this is the result of the steroid I am on to help counteract the side effects of the new drug that I start with chemotherapy tomorrow.  I was on a lower dose with my previous three sessions and had some insomnia issues then, and well, I took my doses by lunchtime hoping they would not affect sleep, oh well. So, I was in bed thinking and came to thinking about something to share that I found inspiring in my week. And, I might as well make use of my awake time since this new drug is likely to make me more fatigued in coming days then the last set of drugs.
Before I started my chemotherapy treatments, I became aware of an expressive arts class.  I loved the previous training I was in, so I decided to sign up for it. Also, I signed up for the class choosing to make it a cancer-free zone.  At this point my classmates do not know that I have been going through cancer treatments, only the facilitator; the new people, as I knew someone from the previous course, don't even know that I am widowed.  I think it was a good choice, as I got to be me in just my essence. Maybe they will know in future; I plan to share my art and writing from my journey in some sort of art show for friends, family, collegues - so hopefully as my classmates who have been part of this healing process will be part of my sharing process too.
This past week was the last class. We played with words and did some activities to close our 10 sessions of creating/play/art with each other. I'd like to share the art that was done, for me, from this class. Towards the mid-way point of the class we were asked to take a sheet of paper and write our name on it. Then the other class members were encouraged to write words/draw on it with their reflections about me. (We did this for each class member simultaneously in about 20 minutes). After the pages were filled, we took them to our seating area and randomly chose a page. The group used low-skill percussive instruments to make a song with the words they saw on the page.  It was awing, beautiful and a bit embarrassing - I guess I need to work on owning my gifts. Here is the visual results of our final class (thanks classmates for your words and art - the only thing of mine is my name).

... and yes that is a 5 lb. weight hold the end of the page from rolling.

surprises in meditation

A couple of days ago I was meditating in my usual mediation spot when I became distracted with a large gaggle of geese, who were up in the grassy park when I arrived, entering the water from the boat ramp by the rocks that I sit on. I can't say I've ever seen two dozen plus geese enter the water this way - it was almost single file.  It certainly was a pleasant distraction and facinating to watch. I hope you enjoy the pictures,

The Benefits of Cancer

This may seem like an odd title, however there have been many benefits of being diagnosed with cancer.  Probably, the more accurate way of naming this is the importance of attitude and perspective.  I know everyone says it is important to have a good attitude, and that will make all the difference with my health and how I manage treatment.  I chose at the beginning of my journey to state to friends and family that if you are not going to be positive around me, then you are not on my team.  I maintain this by clearly letting people know that if they are not positive,(and I’m not talking Polly-Annaish, rose colour glasses positive here, but not being all doom and gloom and pointing out the hardship of the situation) they are not on my team. I believe how I chose to think about this disease and its impact on my life makes all the difference in having a good attitude.

I’ll share some examples of how cancer has benefitted me. The obvious piece, from my perspective, is that when I returned to work after my husband passed, I knew I was not ready to be working with people’s emotions as a therapist when I was struggling to work with my own on a daily basis.  However, I was clearly told that it was unlikely to obtain disability for grief issues, if I were diagnosed with depression that would be fine, but I was not depressed, just still very actively grieving. After working six months it was clear to me I needed to reduce my work hours to manage better; this request was turned down and other arrangements I tried to make were not working out.  So in some ways, the cancer that occurred in my body has allowed me to gain the time I felt I needed.  Obviously this is not the way I wanted to gain more time for myself to sort myself out, but in a weird way it is working for me.

Other ways this diagnosis is benefitting me is the shock and desire to control something with my health issues has lead to me making even healthier choices in food and I am feeling really motivated to engage in more exercise (albeit I am not able to do much right now during treatment due to side effects).  I know I will engage more exercise once the  heavy part of my treatment is completed because I started this prior to my surgery, and I was doing things that I really didn’t think I would be able to physically tolerate.  Knowing I have already achieved certain physical things is great for feeling that I will be able to engage these activities – and perhaps more – after the intense treatment that I am currently engaged in. I also think the cancer diagnosis and treatment occurring now has encouraged me to set up an improved lifestyle from before that will benefit my son, who genetically, doesn’t have the best legacy.  If I can instil these ultra healthy habits now, he will have a good basis to live by and to may not be setting these genetic predispositions off.

Growing Together

Today I’m happy about having a home that is relatively clean. Now, for those of you who have lived with three year olds, I’m sure you know what a luxury it is to have a clean home.  Today is even better, because I managed to recruit my little guy to vacuum with me.  I find that the more that I can involve my son in the day to day tasks, the easier running my household seems to be.  A small accomplishment, I think, for a single parent who has a lot on her plate.

Of course, I can’t always guarantee Little Guy will be cooperative.  What I find is working for us is having a lot of different activities and friend/family who come out or who we meet up with who will engage us in lots of different distractions. Tomorrow, I have loose (the plans always need to be flexible) plans to finish planting my vegetable and herb garden with my son.  I know he’ll like playing in the soil and watering everything, but I’m not sure he’ll be able to follow the instructions for planting.  If all works out, there will be a visit with one of my close friends and her son.  This will be endless fun for Little Guy as he really enjoys their company. Then there will be the much coveted (by me) nap and go to my in-laws for Sunday dinner.  Full day, but keeping us busy seems to prevent my little guy from destroying the house out of boredom.

On the thought of gardening, this year I am trying something new.  Now, pretty much anything with gardening is new for me.  I have very little experience growing anything, beyond some very tolerant houseplants.  With my concerns around health I have a strong interest in eating organic and I find I am very concerned about the pesticide load and other chemical load that my body has been exposed to.  I know I have a few decades of living life eating and exposing myself to these things, but I still think that limiting my expose can only help. So I decided that I want to plant an organic garden.

My mom has contributed in the great idea of using my old recycling bins to be my garden containers. That way I know the quality of soil that I am growing my plants in. I have found a source of organic seeds and plants. The only drawback of this plan is the recycling bins are plastic, but I know they are not being heated and it is the type 5 plastic, so perhaps a little less risk. When I finish planting my garden, I’ll take some pictures to share how the garden looks.  I’ll see how the plants take, and all going well, I’ll have strawberries, potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes, beans, radishes and a wide variety of herbs. I specifically chose a few plants that are known to carry a high pesticide load and then I chose tomatoes because I love them fresh picked and the radishes are “Easter egg radishes” which, truly I just wanted to see what they look like when grown.