Shifting Awareness

It has been awhile since I have posted anything.  I think this is because I have been working away at trying to figure out how I want to return to life post-treatment, what I want to create in my life for my life. I realize there are many things I want to shift in some way or change.  In part, this is a lifestyle change, but this is also related to how I perceive my health and wanting to ensure that any changes I make are going to create something better for myself and my son.

One of the changes I'm planning is this blog.  The focus for so long has been on my journey of widowhood and cancer treatment.  I plan to shift the focus to be reflective about what enriches my life and what brings me joy.  I hope that what I may share can be a source of inspiration for readers.

To start this new approach, I'll share on of my favourite quotes by buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn from his book No Death, No Fear:



"After one in- and out-breath we  have already become a different person."

Thanksgiving

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It is always a time of year that I love.  Earlier this week I found myself driving out to the countryside to visit with a friend and her new baby, along with dropping of some remnants from my son's babyhood.  As I drove on the winding highway out of the city and into the countryside I savoured the breathtaking views of autumn foliage, the reds, oranges, yellows and greens that harmonize in the just right way to be spectatcular.  I love the crispness of the air and the beauty that surrounds me every day.  From the blue morning glories faithfully flowering as they creep over to my neighbour's side of the fence to the last little green tomatoes stubbornly persisting despite the cooler weather.
I like Thanksgiving and the associated family feasts:  the great home cooked dinners with pies for dessert. The company of loved ones sharing together.  My family meets for meals frequently, but there is something different about the "special" occasions.
The opportunity to be reminded about what I am thankful for happens at this time of year.  I try to remember what I am grateful for daily and I'm attempting to connect my son to these ideas, but Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to really engage this conversation.
This time of  year coincides with my husband's birthday which almost always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. Now, it is a time when I reflect on him a little more than usual and what his birth gave to the world and those who knew him.  It is also the time of year when my sister-in-law, niece, son and myself (sometimes other family members but we seem to be the core group) go on a hike in husband's honour.  It's not like we say it is in his honour, but hiking is something I did frequently with Al and my family makes the effort to go to one of the places we would hike; we pack a lunch and enjoy the beauty while reflecting on our surroundings. Inevitably we talk about what Al would say or think or be doing; and somehow, by divine or simple spiritual connection I always feel Al is present with us and I leave these hikes refreshed and feeling as if I spent the day with Al.
 

On survivorship

While walking this morning I realized I actually have too many thoughts on which I want to write about.  I think this is because I set aside less time to write and I have been engaging life more.  I look at this as good.  The main theme of my many thoughts is around holding the space of survivorship, or recovery post cancer treatment.

When I was first diagnosed, I had a wise person say to me, "You are just taking a walk beside cancer for a short while, don't let it take over your life." This is so true.  I know in the depths of treatment last summer I felt like all my decisions and ways of being were influenced by my health issues.  As the lengthy treatment became less demanding I started focusing on more of what I want.  Now that treatment is basically done (except Tamoxifen which I am to be on for 5 years) I am really trying to re-engage life.  I am starting to part ways with cancer, but the disengagement is slow.  I think this is what survivorship is.  The struggle between re-engaging life and disengaging the "walk with cancer" as cancer (treatment) tends to have such a strong presence.

Somehow, I thought, despite seeing several family members' struggles with cancer treatment, that after I finished the bulk of treatment I would somehow be at a better energy level by now.  I thought that I could just jump right into my old life somehow, but it doesn't work that way.  Somehow while walking with cancer I ended up on a different path.  Not entirely different from before, but the path changed.  I look at how I spend my time differently, I look at my health differently, I want to shift the work I do to use the knowledges I have gained in the past few years to help others.  These are changes for sure.  I hope they are better changes that will create an even more enriching and balanced life.

The other thing about survivorship is that I look "great" according to people around me and "you would never know that you are a cancer survivor".   Somehow this lends itself to thinking that it is time to get right back to where one left off prior to diagnosis.  But it's not that easy.  Take this past fun and enjoyable weekend. There was a pool birthday party; time with my folks; taking in Buskerfest; learning to make home-made gnocchi with my mom-in-law; meals with friends and family, so I didn't even cook, I just drove my son and myself around to the various outings. I know I slept solidly each night; and many friends would say anyone would be tired after so much activity. But honestly, I know I am exhausted today and likely going to sleep for a good portion of today.  It's a tricky balance.  I want to live life fully and offer a lot of variety and richness to my son's life; and then there is what I notice I can handle... and likely the responsibility of work, as I know the return will come soon, is really going to challenge the balance I want.

I suspect many cancer survivors feel this way.  I know in early summer, of the other women I met through the Rethink Breast Cancer group, three of the women went back to work early for various reasons.  I know all three reported they should have taken their time to go back and not rush into things.  I am trying to heed this advice and not worry about the return to work, nor overthink things.  I know there are changes I want to make as I re-engage in life and I think about my work life quite a bit.  However I know I should not rush things.  This is again, one of the challenges of survivorship, how to pace oneself and give yourself permission to take your time. Just because I envisioned myself having better energy and being more fully back into the activities I immerse myself in, does not mean I need to be there.  More importantly I am trying to be in the moment: not to overthink the future nor dwell in the past. 

More Art & Art for Cancer Foundation

I meant to post this entry a couple of weeks ago, I think because I meant to add photots of my art from the workshop and forgot about, so here it is.

The other week I participated in another Art for Cancer Foundation (www.artforcancerfoundation.org) workshop.  This one was using watercolours.  However it was using watercolour crayons and these are really intense wet-on-wet watercolour paints that I had never encountered before.  I've only used the watercolour pucks in past.  The results I think are quite amazing, although I think I need more technique to get used to the movement of the paint with water and to be cautious about over saturating the colour. Nonetheless, lots of fun.  And, another perk of the workshop was seeing a few participants that I've met before.  It is nice to reconnect while doing art.
Another Art for Cancer event is their upcoming Gala in the end of October and then they will be releasing a book that documents the City Hall exhibit that I was part of. Here's a preview:  http://artforcancerfoundation.org/upcoming-events/toronto-city-hall-event/the-book/

One of the things I've realized with meeting other patients at some recent Art for Cancer events is the uniqueness of the recovery stage past treatment; whether considered "without evidence of disease" or continuing to live with disease and perhaps even run out of treatment options.  I find when I meet other people who have recently completed treatment there are definitely shared experiences.  It is reassuring to meet other who are just as sensitive about what they injest. To start understanding the "new normal" that has arisen.  To understand how the fatigue and continue for months, and sometimes years after treatment.  That somehow the experiences of cancer and its treatment creates some similar shared perspective on life: to not sweat the small stuff; to really be focused on creating meaningful existences; and be mindful to take care of our fragile yet resilient bodies.

The watercolours:

 

Summery Shifts

Today I'm pondering shifts.  I'm thinking of either merging my blog with my website or at least changing the byline on my blog.  I think I am at a point where despite the significant events of widowhood and becoming a cancer patient which have dominated my life, they are not all there is to me.  Further, I've been finding as I heal I want to shift the focus from "the problems" to just perspectives on life.  Certainly my experiences with cancer and widowhood inform my perspective, but I don't think I want them to take a leading role, per se.

The other factor influencing me is time.  I love writing, doing art, playing piano. I also love spending time with friends and family, which will likely fill much of my time into August. So with that in mind, I hope anyone reading this experiencing summer is enjoying the hot weather and finding many summery activities to be engaged in.

I'll share an unusal summer activity I found to do this week: play a piano in a park.  In Toronto, there is a promotion for the Pan Am Games and there are 41 pianos placed around the city for the public to just play.  What a delight to see a piano in nature and then the trepidation to play as I am terrible at memorizing any piece in its entirety.

Be tuned in, I may be doing a book review or two on the site before the end of summer.

reflections on end of treatment

Here I am staring at a blank page wondering what to write.  Perhaps it is because I'm at what appears to be the end of my cancer journey. Ten days ago I had my last Herceptin treatment and this Friday I have the port removed. In the past month since my last entry (I can't believe how quickly time has passed by) I've been on a yoga retreat, submitted art to more shows, lots of the usual social outings, and the usual household and mommy stuff.  All pretty good and positive. However ending treatment is odd.  I'm definitely happy to not have to be showing up to and anticipating having the port removed makes me a bit giddy and long with the anticipation to just live my days without showing up to a hospital every few weeks or more frequently.  There also is apprehension: about what next? how will I adjust to returning to work? will I be able to retain my health?
The wisest words I've come across is just keep stepping one foot in front of the other. Really, now matter what happens, it is most important to be in the present moment and keep living life to its fullest.

Another lost to cancer

After writing a couple posts ago I may be less active, instead I have become a more active writer; go figure.
Anyway, today I just found out David Servan-Schreiber, the author of Anticancer: A New Way of Life died of terminal brain cancer last July.  I was actually going to check out his site to make sure it was linked correctly as I was going refer to it for something else, and I found the link dead.  So I looked up a few things to find he had died.
This saddens me.  His book Anticancer provided me with so much hope.  Again it often seems that there is no control in regards to cancer.  I hear so many different stories of people who have had healthy lifestyles who have been diagnosed or who have died of cancer, but likewise there are many who are not living so healthy that don't seem to be touched with health issues.  I still believe a healthy lifestyle can make a difference, but, perhaps we have way less say over our mortality than we think we do. Although, at best, I can say that the changes I have made in lifestyle have enhanced my general well-being and create a better balance in my life.

Focusing on the Future

It is amazing how time can slip away.  It has been awhile it seems since I have written.  Somehow doing a little getaway with a friend for a few days and then having busy filled weekends and catching up on all the things I didn’t do while away. And of course the really amazing spring weather has lead to me being outside enjoying the unusually warm weather over being inside... somehow then I didn’t gather enough time to write.  Or perhaps there was not much really to expound upon.  I did take time to paint, of course. 

One thing I am aware of is the desire to move to a different space in my life. I feel, even though I am still processing all that has occurred in the past few years, I am noticing that I am starting to be more disengaged with the constant internal reflection that has been so actively engaging.  I guess on some level I recognize that I need to focus more on the future and put more energy towards developing my future.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the blog, but perhaps, right now I’m not going to be writing as frequently.  Really, perhaps not surprising given my entries have been less frequent in the past few months.

Another place to see what I’m up to is my website: www.abelcreation.com
Hopefully I’ll update with some new art soon.

Art for Cancer

Just a quick little note.  Tomorrow is the opening of an art exhibit I will be part of.  It is by a new organization called Art For Cancer Foundation which provides art workshops for cancer patients and their caregivers.  The exhibit opens tomorrow and runs through to February 24 at the Toronto City Hall Rotunda.

trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=oiCN6avKrl8
website: http://artforcancerfoundation.org/
listing of event: https://wx.toronto.ca/festevents.nsf/a2f14808aae0d4f1852572ff0066124a/ab754150d3bf6214852579a000417a9f?OpenDocument

 

If you are interested in seeing more of my art, please see my newly launched website: www.abelcreation.com

Sharing of yourself

Today is another day for gratitude and appreciation for stories.

I, again, met someone who was widowed at a young age. I see this as something remarkable.  In some ways before I was widowed, I don’t really recalling meeting young people who were widowed on a somewhat regular basis.  Perhaps I just didn’t note the people’s circumstances, but truly, even of clients, as a social worker, I recall only meeting a small handful of people who describe their life story as having been widowed at a young age.  Yet, nonetheless, I’ve been meeting widowed people all over the place it seems.  Just in the past month I met two older women who were widowed young. I listened to what they revealed about themselves with great interest.  Both had a multitude of children (one had 9 when she was widowed, the other 6). One had had a number of partners since and the other I’m not quite sure, both now have grandchildren and even great grandchildren. One was met at a cancer related workshop.  What both have given me is perspective. At times I feel I struggle with one child to raise on my own, how about nine? Of course there are unique aspects to each.  With multiple children you have older kids who can help with the younger kids and the older children have much to share about their father with the younger kids. But that is also 10 mouths to feed and a home to keep large enough for ten. Anyway, the most important thing is perspective.

One thing I have become even more aware of, and it seems silly to write this as a therapist, is how all of us have a story.  What seems clear to me is that few of us share our stories. Even fewer share publicly, although, that may be changing with this world of internet.  Again and again I have been meeting people whom I have the greatest admiration for given the challenges of their story.  I think, perhaps, these stories of tragedy and triumph are actually quite common, but for some reason no one lets on this is the pain they carry with them and of the strengths that carried them through tough times.  I think if we are more able to share our lived experiences in various ways (in creative, not overbearing or in needy, ways) that perhaps, it is gift that we are sharing with others:  to inspire, to help them through tough times, to help each other understand that we are not alone. In a way, it is an act of love to take the opportunity to give the gift of sharing of yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Another noted change

Today it is a glorious day outside. Warm for winter, the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.  There seems to be an edge of spring in the air and I’ve enjoyed the freshness when I was outside.  Today is also my birthday, Happy Birthday to me J  I have noted that I have made changes in how I perceive my world.  I suppose this is one of the changes of having a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment.  I believe that in past, my birthday would be a day to reflect and do something special for myself, which I have done today thus far.  But how I would do things for myself has changed.  In past, I would want to spend time with family and friends (check, that remains), and I would try and do something indulgent and take a break.

Today my indulgence is having a day free of arguments with my son (i.e. to not nag about his dawdling, mess-making etc.), to go to the restorative yoga class I’ve been attending, to spend some time writing and painting, take my son to his ski lesson and have dinner with my family at my aunt’s house.  My meals I have chosen to be more health focused. The past couple days had already kicked off the birthday celebrations and I was feeling heavy and not as energetic, so this morning I chose to juice (beet, carrot, swiss chard and apple) with a slice of banana bread for my breakfast and have a smoothie filled with sprouts and fruit for lunch. In past as indulgence I would celebrate by eating rich foods with abandon and not care how it was going to impact me. In past I would take a break by skipping yoga class and being more of a physical “vegetable” that day.  I think my mentality was I was taking a break from those activities to give myself a treat.  Now I see eating energy rich foods and giving my body more stuff to fuel its good health is celebrating me in the best way I can.

New Year

New Years is a strange holiday. I know many people who say they dread New Years Eve because it is such a let down. There is often much hype to party and celebrate, at least here in North America, to really just enjoy the beginning of something new and the end of something seems to be lost.  Personally, I have a history of hosting New Years Eve parties or get togethers; however the past few New Years have been quiet with family. In some ways, when it is quiet, I like the opportunity to reflect on the past year and to think about my goals for the upcoming year and to have quality time with those I love.
This past year, even though it appeared to be difficult with receiving treatment for cancer (and treatment for cancer is difficult, this isn't to disguise that fact), I felt like I had time to settle myself emotionally.  That I gained more opportunities to explore my creative side and really just enjoyed home life with my son. I think this past year has given me incentive to figure out how to restructure my life so that I have a better balance for myself and I look forward to seeing how this may evolve in the upcoming year; yet another benefit of dealing with cancer this year.
Happy New Years to all that may be reading.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year” goes the popular Christmas pop song. I actually really like Christmas.  Perhaps it is the good reason to bake and indulge with special foods. Of course the gatherings with friends and family are enjoyed, but I am aware this can cause a lot of stress: to make those now expected cookies, to buy the perfect gift, to create time to fit in everyone. So much of this is socially constructed and idealized.   And, in my head there is often the desire to choose the perfect gift (as a result I gain delight and gratitude of the recipient), sit by the perfectly decorated tree, to create the perfect Christmas get-togethers and meals. I realize this is not only for Christmas.  I’ve been feeding the ideal of perfectionism in my life for a long time.  Somewhere, probably when I was quite young, I assumed I would meet someone who I could love, marry, have a child and live happily ever after (or live a “normal” life where there are no major tragedies).

There is this sense of entitlement, rightly or wrongly, that my life should be content. Even after experiencing so much in so few years, I have often half-heartly joked I should now be free of any further misfortunate – like a get out of jail free card for the rest of my  (hopefully) many years. But is this realistic?  Would I be living and appreciating life in the way I do now if I did not experience hardship?  Or perhaps what appears as misfortune has actually provided me with something I needed and I wouldn’t have otherwise.  If I imagine a life where my husband did not die and I did not have a breast cancer diagnosis, I suppose I would have been engaged in family life and work and little else.  With my husband’s death, I turned to art and started exploring art which provided a much needed salve on my emotional pain. With my own cancer diagnosis, I have had more space to process my husband’s death, I’ve explored writing and art further, I have been more available for my son.  All of these are benefits beyond the obvious losses.
I suppose this is my argument against believing I need to create perfection - which I continue to wean myself off. Even through things appear negative, that perhaps they are good.  Perhaps I wouldn’t know such joy if I didn’t know such despair.  Perhaps all is perfect just the way it is.

Kindness

It seems kindness has highlighted my past few days.

On Friday I watched the documentary Finding Kindness. This is a movie exploring the “mean girl” phenomena.  The beginning of the movie says something along the lines of a woman can "stab" with a look, she doesn't need a knife. I think all women know exactly what this look is. The Finding Kindness movie is examining how most, if not all females have experienced some sort of bullying, emotional abuse, “in/out” behaviour  (gossip, rumours) or some sort of emotional daggers by other females at some point. Further, Finding Kindness suggests rather than trying to deconstruct the complex web that reinforces this mistreatment of each other, that we could all make change by embracing being kind.  More about this may be found at www.kindcampaign.com

Really, kindness and promoting kindness is not just for shifting girls’ behaviour, kindness can shift one’s inner world. If we all strive for kindness there can be changes in our outer world. Today I went to a Buddhist temple with a few other friends for meditation and prayers for world peace. The nun leading the proceedings spoke on kindness and how kindness is relational and the basis of the qualities of love, compassion and joy.

When I reflect on how kindness has played in my life, I think kindness has helped me survive in these complicated times in my life.  Kindness of others has provided the support throughout these tough times. Kindness to myself has allowed me to have ease and relinquish the perfectionism that guided the (perhaps misguided) vision for my life prior to all the chaos; kindness has deepen love in my life; kindness and understanding has extinguished fires that created tensions in relationships.  I’m sure I could create a longer list, but I think my point is clear, that kindness has been part of the underpinning of my survival.  Finding kindness in everyday activities to be grateful about and being mindful of creating my own acts of kindness daily makes all the difference.

My wish is that each of us can find kindness each day.

I Did It!

This morning I completed my second jog.  Yesterday was my first. My Dad called me up early in the morning and said, “Do you want to go out for a run?” He then proceeded to say, “We can come over there before we go bowling.” Mom and Dad go bowling with friends most Sunday mornings. And I agreed. So I did a mini run with my dad, a good first run.  Today I kept myself motivated and ran again, this time a little further and took a break at my favourite meditation spot by the lake (yes I meditated too). All very good: because it is good for me to start becoming more active; I noticed that I came back with energy and motivation to tackle my growing to-do list; most importantly, because I have read that breast cancer reoccurrence can be reduced anywhere for 40% - 70% simply by regular aerobic activity for about a half hour per day. Most recently I read 50% in Prevention magazine. 

Highly motivating, or it should be. Some days it is hard to be motivated. Even yesterday after my little run, my son and I decided to go bowling with my folks and to have lunch with their friends. After I was exhausted, so even though I am picking up in activity and energy, I still need to pace myself and plan for when my energy level crashes. I am wary about what running may be like once snow starts to fly and ice starts covering the pathways and sidewalks.  I think this is where my Dad and a couple of other friends who are experienced runners will become great supports, either in running with me or by giving me tips to endure the elements better.

The other piece that somewhat comes to play is the envy and self-pity of dealing illness. This morning, as I ran from my son’s daycare to the lake, then back up to my home, I pass by a main street with a MacDonald’s (which, by the way I haven’t had anything from MacDonald’s in years, likely almost a decade). As I jog by there is someone entering the parking lot, by car, smoking and going to the drive-thru. I have the self-righteous thought of how can people not care about their bodies like that! Then there is the thought of how can people just do that and not have these (health) problems? Then I remind myself that I don’t know what their life is and their struggles. I also remind myself that perhaps my body is just more sensitive and I need to do my best to take care of it; others will make their own decisions.

Most importantly, I went for my second run for the second day in a row. I know this is a good step for me and all I need to do is make it a habit (takes about a month for form a new habit or break a habit, as I recall from my counselling work). Off and running for now J.

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  I thought it would be a good time to reflect on giving thanks and gratitude. I could write about what I am grateful for and give thanks to all those who surround me and do wonderful things to enlighten my life or in giving acts of kindness that are unexpected.  All of these are truths in my life and very much appreciated.  What I have noticed is the process of giving thanks, and what it can do for me. 

There is something about gratitude that creates space.  I was attending the process of a friend who gave a simple blessing for food prior to eating a quick lunch with me.  I was not “brought up” saying grace, nor has religion played a significant role in my life; however I found that her few words allowed for reflection to be more mindful about the food we were about to share and it seemed to create a greater appreciation for the food. Slowing down to take that moment for a few words rather than jumping into the meal made all the difference. The meal then became a more mindful experience to savour rather than just eating for sustenance.  I can see how taking those little steps to encourage being aware can shift how a simple thing as a meal can be appreciated.

I have found that looking through the lens of gratitude; I can find something to be positive about in the most difficult situations.  It doesn’t negate the pain of a difficult situation; however, it can start shifting how I view the situation, and perhaps make it less stressful.  I notice when I can find gratitude, it creates the space to breathe and I start freeing myself from the negativity that is often pervasive in difficult times. I think gratitude allows a positive “spin” to occur and a shift can start. It can bring light into the dark.

Next Steps

I am still recovering from the immediate effects of radiation: my skin is still dry and itchy and there was a little breakage in skin, so I’ve had to do saline soaks a few times a day.  Today is the first day that I’m feeling an improvement. Despite just picking myself up after treatment (and really, it had been less than a week since radiation finished) I find myself already thinking about what I need to do next.  There is another part of myself that holds caution, as I know that I can rush things.  It’s like my hair can’t grow back quick enough.  Or, trying to plan for what I can do next when physically when I haven’t yet the energy to accomplish what I want to set out to do.

I certainly have lots of ideas, but I know I will have to set myself to routines where I work toward building my physical body up (enough to energetically play with a three year old every day plus keep my home and household running and have energy for myself).  My first step toward rebuilding myself after completing radiation was to buy new pair of runners.  This is pretty significant as I haven’t had proper running shoes since my late teens.  I plan to start running as research shows that I can reduce the reoccurrence of breast cancer up to 70% by increasing my aerobic exercise to be 20-30 minutes daily.

It is an interesting space to be, not recovered but finished the heavy impacting treatments.  There is emerging information on what is called a “care plan,” the plan for after treatment.  This is becoming a stronger focus as many cancer survivors are living full lives after treatment.  The care plan is to help one figure out what considerations are needed in lifestyle to live fully after cancer treatment.  I think part of this is not only to prevent reoccurrence, but new cancers from developing as those who have been through cancer treatment have twice the chance of developing certain cancers than those who have not been through cancer treatment.  This is in part because the treatments for cancer can cause cancer, although the percentage of developing a new cancer from treatment is strongly outweighed by the treatments addressing the original cancer. Nonetheless, this now needs to be a consideration for my health and lifestyle choices. If one is interested in looking at care plans, there is one I found through LIVESTRONG: http://www.livestrongcareplan.org/

Chemotherapy post script

In the "Real World of Chemotherapy' I had some questions for my oncologist to answer. I stated that if I get a resonable responce I would state it here... and I think I did.

As I understand, Taxotere/Docetaxel that I have been for three rounds works by stopping cell division and provided cells with a death message. This is by the Taxotere interfering with the growth of spindles, thus providing the message there is no more growth to be done and the cell must naturally die.

This does not account for the large amount of swelling that my body goes through and my concerns for inflammation.  My oncolgist explained the swelling and inflamation is more related to the steroid that they put me on the manage the side effects of Taxotere.  When the steriod wears off, my body creates more inflammation to compensate for the change. Fortunately the Taxotere continues giving its die messages for a week, and the inflammation is cleared up by then.  Interesting to learn about. And, I think my oncolgist enjoys having my interest in the process.  Upon parting, he heartly shakes my hand and grins about looking forward to seeing me the next time - now in 12 weeks. I may have to come up with more questions for him.

I think his attitude is good as he has interest in the process of cancer and what the drugs do.  He could be the type oncologist who just listens to side effects, prescribes medication to manage the side effects and send the patient on his/her way.  I would find the second scenario completely frustrating and likely feel that it was taking from my empowerment as a patient to understand what is happening with my body. I've been blessed with doctors who are a good match for me.

on personal growth and becoming an advocate

I understand for many who meet me in my adult life, they are surprised to discover that I was a very shy child.  I was so shy that I only spoke to others when spoke to first, the exception was with close family and friends who I had known for a long time. In reflection, I often found it odd that I choose a profession where I talk for a living, however I tend to reveal little about myself and my clients are paying me to reveal much about themselves in a very sacred manner. Somehow, leaving my childhood home in my late teens and living independently freed up my voice; albeit daunting.  Today I carry this on further to find myself advocating for myself in my own healthcare. 

This week I had the opportunity to connect and chat with one of my colleagues became ill with breast cancer around the same time as myself.  She has different issues than myself, however, I started asking her questions about her treatment and she could not name the chemotherapy drugs she had took and had little interest in knowing the details of her treatment.  I found this surprising for a woman who often is outspoken and likes to "rock the boat" a little.  It became clearer to me I am seen as a different kind of patient. I tend to spending first meetings with my doctors asking a barrage of questions related to my treatment and they have kindly responded and typically have spent 1.5 to 2 hours with me upon a first meeting. This has allowed me to have open frank conversations with my medical team which works for me, because I would rather know what exactly I am dealing with and make informed choices.

As an aside, I recognize this is likely influenced by the joint experience of my husband's disease. He was diagnosed with cancer of the ampula vatar, the treatment prescribed was treatment for cancer of the pancreas.  We questioned this difference with several doctors throughout his treatment.  We were simply told this is the treatment.  Eventually, after being released from the last clinical trial that he could participate in, we asked his trial doctor again, what is the difference? Her response was a tentative 'well it is different on a cellular level'.  Well cancer is a cellular disease and each type of cancer is different; what happens to the cells (rapidly reproducing and not dying off like normal cells do) is the commonality.  I wish one of the doctors told us this in the beginning. We did logic it out, but we wanted a professional to confirm what we already knew. Perhaps, we may have explored alternative treatments earlier. We may not have pursued this route, and the outcome may not have changed at all, but we were denied that opportunity by not being clear about how the treatment the doctors were offering was just the best the could offer in their knowledge because the cancer he had was so rare.

Back to what kind of patient I am, I've been peering into my patient file at the hospital, which really has nothing really of interest or anything that I didn't already know. By the way I was not sneaking into filing cabinets, my doctors and nurses leave my file out in the open, so it is free for review. In my file, a social worker I had contact with described me as actively informed and engaged in strong self-advocacy.  I think I need to start revisiting my self-definitions as I'm realizing that young shy child is no more, she has owned her voice and has become out-spoken in a way.  I still am introverted and reserved in many ways but I have learned to be comfortable with my ideas and the validity of my thoughts.

Back to the supports, I've actually found that despite many additional psycho-social support services for breast cancer patients exist (in part because breast cancer has large amounts of funding), I've implemented most of what they offer already in my day to day life practices. Not always consistently, however that is more about my own lack persistence and /or regiment.  What I have benefitted from is many of the services of RETHINK Breast Cancer: http://rethinkbreastcancer.com/, especially their 'Angel Nanny' and Child Life Specialist programs. I am still interested in finding an internet chat space for patients like me, preferably geared to young breast cancer survivors like myself.

Recently, I have found is many people I have personal contact with are curious about what I am doing, especially around diet. I will share this in my next blog entry. I consulted one day with the hospital dietician the nausea side effect was starting to interrupt enjoyment of many foods and I was starting to worry about what could I even manage to eat without alienating my taste buds from all food. As I tend to read literature that is provided to me, there was very little she shared that was new, if anything.  She did confirm what I already knew, but I guess I was hoping there was something  more that can be done.  I think this is the limitation of modern medical services, and somehow I keep thinking there is a "magical solution" for the challenging aspects of treatment. There isn't, I think it goes back to attitude and creating perceptions within my thinking that allows for me to feel I am making positive change for the betterment of my health and my son, who I know has a challenging genetic legacy with strong histories of cancer on both sides of the family.

I am also investigating ways to make my home more toxin-free, slowly using up store bought cleaners already in my cupboards.  As I use them up I am implementing natural products, mostly home-made cleaners, however for serious laundry stains, I think I need to start experimenting with store bought products. Also, I am starting to look into toiletries which apparently have many ingredients that impact hormone regulation and I am starting to explore how I may start phasing out these items from my home too. So far, these changes are informed by information in and There is Lead in my Lipstick (http://www.gilldeacon.ca/projects-lipstick.php) and  The Ecoholic Home (http://www.ecoholic.ca/homebook.html).

The Benefits of Cancer

This may seem like an odd title, however there have been many benefits of being diagnosed with cancer.  Probably, the more accurate way of naming this is the importance of attitude and perspective.  I know everyone says it is important to have a good attitude, and that will make all the difference with my health and how I manage treatment.  I chose at the beginning of my journey to state to friends and family that if you are not going to be positive around me, then you are not on my team.  I maintain this by clearly letting people know that if they are not positive,(and I’m not talking Polly-Annaish, rose colour glasses positive here, but not being all doom and gloom and pointing out the hardship of the situation) they are not on my team. I believe how I chose to think about this disease and its impact on my life makes all the difference in having a good attitude.

I’ll share some examples of how cancer has benefitted me. The obvious piece, from my perspective, is that when I returned to work after my husband passed, I knew I was not ready to be working with people’s emotions as a therapist when I was struggling to work with my own on a daily basis.  However, I was clearly told that it was unlikely to obtain disability for grief issues, if I were diagnosed with depression that would be fine, but I was not depressed, just still very actively grieving. After working six months it was clear to me I needed to reduce my work hours to manage better; this request was turned down and other arrangements I tried to make were not working out.  So in some ways, the cancer that occurred in my body has allowed me to gain the time I felt I needed.  Obviously this is not the way I wanted to gain more time for myself to sort myself out, but in a weird way it is working for me.

Other ways this diagnosis is benefitting me is the shock and desire to control something with my health issues has lead to me making even healthier choices in food and I am feeling really motivated to engage in more exercise (albeit I am not able to do much right now during treatment due to side effects).  I know I will engage more exercise once the  heavy part of my treatment is completed because I started this prior to my surgery, and I was doing things that I really didn’t think I would be able to physically tolerate.  Knowing I have already achieved certain physical things is great for feeling that I will be able to engage these activities – and perhaps more – after the intense treatment that I am currently engaged in. I also think the cancer diagnosis and treatment occurring now has encouraged me to set up an improved lifestyle from before that will benefit my son, who genetically, doesn’t have the best legacy.  If I can instil these ultra healthy habits now, he will have a good basis to live by and to may not be setting these genetic predispositions off.