More Art & Art for Cancer Foundation

I meant to post this entry a couple of weeks ago, I think because I meant to add photots of my art from the workshop and forgot about, so here it is.

The other week I participated in another Art for Cancer Foundation (www.artforcancerfoundation.org) workshop.  This one was using watercolours.  However it was using watercolour crayons and these are really intense wet-on-wet watercolour paints that I had never encountered before.  I've only used the watercolour pucks in past.  The results I think are quite amazing, although I think I need more technique to get used to the movement of the paint with water and to be cautious about over saturating the colour. Nonetheless, lots of fun.  And, another perk of the workshop was seeing a few participants that I've met before.  It is nice to reconnect while doing art.
Another Art for Cancer event is their upcoming Gala in the end of October and then they will be releasing a book that documents the City Hall exhibit that I was part of. Here's a preview:  http://artforcancerfoundation.org/upcoming-events/toronto-city-hall-event/the-book/

One of the things I've realized with meeting other patients at some recent Art for Cancer events is the uniqueness of the recovery stage past treatment; whether considered "without evidence of disease" or continuing to live with disease and perhaps even run out of treatment options.  I find when I meet other people who have recently completed treatment there are definitely shared experiences.  It is reassuring to meet other who are just as sensitive about what they injest. To start understanding the "new normal" that has arisen.  To understand how the fatigue and continue for months, and sometimes years after treatment.  That somehow the experiences of cancer and its treatment creates some similar shared perspective on life: to not sweat the small stuff; to really be focused on creating meaningful existences; and be mindful to take care of our fragile yet resilient bodies.

The watercolours:

 

More Art

I wanted to share the results of my terrific experience participating in Art for Cancer Foundation's trial 5 week workshop. The workshop was great on so many levels.  I learned new techniques and got to experiment.  The art is so engaging for me that I don't think about anything else, except creating art.  I met interesting people, perhaps it says something about the people who would seek out this kind of support during thier cancer journey.  One of the neat things is that we don't formally talk about cancer and since it isn't the focus, there is a break from the constant focus that being a cancer patient demands.  Likewise for those who are actively engaged in treatment, there is no explanation needed for all the side effects.  Everyone present has been engaged in a similar process on some level, so no explanation needed.

Here's my art from the 5 sessions:

untitled: pastels

Sunflower & Butterfly: ink, acrylic, gesso

Picked: tissue paper, napkin paper, fiber, acrylic, ink

Golden Hills: gesso texture, sand, acrylic and metallic glaze

the screening dilemma resolved: tissue paper, newspaper, gesso texture, acrylic, glaze

Focusing on the Future

It is amazing how time can slip away.  It has been awhile it seems since I have written.  Somehow doing a little getaway with a friend for a few days and then having busy filled weekends and catching up on all the things I didn’t do while away. And of course the really amazing spring weather has lead to me being outside enjoying the unusually warm weather over being inside... somehow then I didn’t gather enough time to write.  Or perhaps there was not much really to expound upon.  I did take time to paint, of course. 

One thing I am aware of is the desire to move to a different space in my life. I feel, even though I am still processing all that has occurred in the past few years, I am noticing that I am starting to be more disengaged with the constant internal reflection that has been so actively engaging.  I guess on some level I recognize that I need to focus more on the future and put more energy towards developing my future.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the blog, but perhaps, right now I’m not going to be writing as frequently.  Really, perhaps not surprising given my entries have been less frequent in the past few months.

Another place to see what I’m up to is my website: www.abelcreation.com
Hopefully I’ll update with some new art soon.

a creative writing exercise

I just came across a neat creative exercise by Janet Ruffin http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2012/02/thrown-poems-shock-the-mind.html#more through the Ultrasounds blog (www.ultra-sounds.org). I just love this exercise, so I'm sharing it with everyone.
Choose a book, flip to a random page, randomly choose 3 words and 3 phrases; flip to another page and repeat; work the words until you have poem that emerges.
Here's mine:
From the four directions of the circle
Trust all responses are subjective.
Seriously, let feelings unfold
Coherence will emerge
Perspective will be convincingly intimate
Write, paint, sing!
Something essential that cannot be sacrificed.

Always more to learn

Today I started attending a group run by Rethink Breast cancer (www.rethinkbreastcancer.com).  I thought it would be good to have a place to meet other women/mothers who are in a similar situation.  After the first session, definitely good.  I'll be looking forward to it and my son, I think, enjoyed the children's group.
As gathering with any group of people there can be new things learned. One thing, in this group of women, there seemed to be the startling prevalence of breast cancer development while nursing; and subsequent misdiagnosis because of nursing, thus putting these particular women at further risk becasue their tumors were growing quite large at alarming rates prior to being properly diagnosed.  I know this was not the whole group's experience, and perhaps this group of women is not representative of younger women with breast cancer (although I suspect it is), but it was a theme that occurred a few times and seemed to sit with me.  Again I feel lucky that I have doctors who listened to me and were active in referring me to the high risk screening program. Again, I think that it is so important to listen to you body and be a strong advocate for yourself.

I also heard many stories that reflected my experience of treatment and the feelings of isolation as typically one's friends are not going through cancer treatment with you and although fully supportive and empathetic, it can be hard to feel others truly understand at times.  One of the neat things out of today's group was finding out about a website that is a platform for organizing volunteers, www.lotsahelpinghands.com. This site is designed to enter the e-mails for your support community and to list the tasks that you need support with.  I sure wished I knew of this site when I was first diagnosed as I had many offers to help and it would have been a way to organize them rather than just calling people ad hoc or relying on accepting whatever was being offered in the moment.

Writing of this great support through Rethink and of the new site I learned of today, reminds me of another great support, ART for Cancer Foundation, which is hosting two watercolour workshops in the next couple of weeks.  If you are in the Toronto area and interested, check out http://artforcancerfoundation.org/programs/
By the way, for people following my blog, the art exhibit through ART for Cancer Foundation went well. Here's my art on display:

The written blurb included with the art is as follows:

Somehow I came to the most unexpected, rough patch on the bumpy road of life. As a clinical social worker I thought myself fairly well resourced, but even the well resourced need to have their outlets.  Painting became mine.

My paintings reflect different points in my healing journey. I started to engage visual art during studio time while taking an Expressive Art Therapy training.  The smaller painting, Dead or Alive (oil on canvas, 8” x 10”), is my first visual art piece I created that emerged out of a movement based class that ignited an alternative reality experience that I knew I needed to paint.  At this point, I had only been writing as a means to address the loss of my husband to cancer six months before.

By springtime, about a year after my husband’s death, I was painting more abstract. I found myself playing with colours and movement on canvas, often painting in the little windows of time in my busy, hectic life.  The larger painting I call Gestation (acrylic on canvas, 24” x 30”) was created around the time I first felt some interest in actively engaging in life again.

Just under two years after my husband’s passing, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent time trying to release anything that could be a blockage or a detriment to my health.  In a guided meditation focused on release, I had a strong visual image of the painting that became Firewoman.  I believe this was a point of emotional and spiritual transformation which I have continued to develop as I proceed through the rigours of treatment.

When I started painting, I found that I could not stop.  Even as a single parent of a small child, I felt I needed to carve out time to have this mode of self-expression. Painting became a means of expressing what could not be expressed by words: an elixir to release the complicated emotions inside and a salve to the pain I was carrying within.

I thought I would share.  If you are interested in seeing more of my artwork, please check out my website, www.abelcreation.com

Sharing of yourself

Today is another day for gratitude and appreciation for stories.

I, again, met someone who was widowed at a young age. I see this as something remarkable.  In some ways before I was widowed, I don’t really recalling meeting young people who were widowed on a somewhat regular basis.  Perhaps I just didn’t note the people’s circumstances, but truly, even of clients, as a social worker, I recall only meeting a small handful of people who describe their life story as having been widowed at a young age.  Yet, nonetheless, I’ve been meeting widowed people all over the place it seems.  Just in the past month I met two older women who were widowed young. I listened to what they revealed about themselves with great interest.  Both had a multitude of children (one had 9 when she was widowed, the other 6). One had had a number of partners since and the other I’m not quite sure, both now have grandchildren and even great grandchildren. One was met at a cancer related workshop.  What both have given me is perspective. At times I feel I struggle with one child to raise on my own, how about nine? Of course there are unique aspects to each.  With multiple children you have older kids who can help with the younger kids and the older children have much to share about their father with the younger kids. But that is also 10 mouths to feed and a home to keep large enough for ten. Anyway, the most important thing is perspective.

One thing I have become even more aware of, and it seems silly to write this as a therapist, is how all of us have a story.  What seems clear to me is that few of us share our stories. Even fewer share publicly, although, that may be changing with this world of internet.  Again and again I have been meeting people whom I have the greatest admiration for given the challenges of their story.  I think, perhaps, these stories of tragedy and triumph are actually quite common, but for some reason no one lets on this is the pain they carry with them and of the strengths that carried them through tough times.  I think if we are more able to share our lived experiences in various ways (in creative, not overbearing or in needy, ways) that perhaps, it is gift that we are sharing with others:  to inspire, to help them through tough times, to help each other understand that we are not alone. In a way, it is an act of love to take the opportunity to give the gift of sharing of yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Clutter

Today I have decided to tackle some of the clutter in my home.  Let me tell you about this clutter.  I tend to save almost everything thinking I can reuse it in some project somewhere down the road. I am generally better with bills and the obvious things not to keep. With some of this clutter came the chaos that occurred in my life.  With the chaos came my benevolent friends who literally packed up and unpacked my belongings when I sold my condo and bought my current abode. I am eternally grateful for all the help I received as I would not have been able to do it on my own. 

What also came with this was as I settled into my home were two piles of boxes: one in my bedroom closet and one in the basement.  Truly these piles were out of hand. But they were big enough that I didn’t feel I could tackle them in one evening and with a small child around I didn’t want to do it in chunks as he would get into stuff and it could easily become a bigger mess.  Now, I think I’m a bit pass that, if my son gets into the pile, so be it, I will work through it anyways the next day, and I'm sure I will be working through these piles for days.  It was a little more difficult to be so cavalier when I was obliged to be at work daily and every hour seemed to be accounted for.

So what’s with these piles? Literally, to this day there are boxes that I have not yet gone through and sorted through the contents. Albeit, many of boxes have stuff of my life with my husband in them.  There are Rubbermaid containers containing his clothes (these I still won’t sort though and I feel they are for my son to see if he wants anything of his dad’s when he is old enough to make that decision). Then there are the bits and pieces of stuff from our wedding... like cardstock and ribbon leftover from our handmade wedding invitations, and other similar bits and pieces from our life lived together.  It is weird, that it has been almost three years since my husband passed (now longer than the time we were married) and in some ways it feels like I am on some sort of archeological dig of a life lived long ago. At the same time, I am crying through these little bits as I sort through them.  There is happiness in these tears because our time together was so good, so precious, and enriching; with that comes the missing and grief that continues to live with me.

Cleaning and sorting clutter can be like that.  I recall early after my diagnosis that I read in one of the “helpful” pamphlets that the hospital gives the newly diagnosed, a suggestion to start sorting through clutter so if you die you loved ones will have less to do.  I think I threw that pamphlet out immediately as I was so insulted that I would have to think about death at this point in my life. Also, I was totally emotionally unprepared to embark on these boxes. But somehow, a full year later, this suggestion comes to mind today, and I think of how for anyone going through clutter is a trip down memory lane, that there is a lot of emotions for anyone’s clutter and we all have sentimental attachments.

The value of friendship

I’ve been thinking about the value of friendship. On the weekend, there was a gathering of friends who haven’t sat as a group in about 3 years.  I’ve had a fair bit of support from this group of friends as individuals, but for whatever reasons we haven’t meet as a group. There is something that happens with good friends. There is synergy of ideas in conversation, there is lively discussion and sometimes challenging ideas.  We share our lived experiences and hopes and joys.  The value of this kind of friendship is irreplaceable. And, in times, like I have experienced in the past few years, it is these friendships that keep me buoyant in many ways. I am certainly blessed to have so many close friends whom I have this sort of relationship with.

On a special side note, I had my first mammogram since treatment and just got the results: everything is completely clear.  Obviously I am very happy to find this out and I can feel a lightness of the relief that goes with having a clear mammogram.

Just Being Home-made

The past couple of weeks my days have been full.  I find I have been spending a lot of time just being.  That doesn’t mean that I am in a permanent state of meditation, nor am I glued to the television watching daytime talk shows (although that has occurred a few times after overextending myself).

I decided to really embrace the acts of creativity that I used to relish.  This wave of creativity started with deciding to make my son’s Halloween costume, then making home-made Christmas cards and home-made birthday cards.  I am pondering some Christmas gifts that are home-made too.

On the thought of home-made, I recently, successfully, made my own yogurt.  I have been exploring various natural/low chemical cleaning options for my home and for my self care.  Recently I tried a yogurt, witch hazel, oatmeal cleanser and another moisturizer/make up remover consisting of grapeseed oil, betacarotene tablets and lavender essential oil.  Interestingly enough, friends have recently commented on my skin looking great. (recipes found through the Marilyn Denis show http://www.marilyn.ca/Beauty/Segment.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_21_2011/FallSkin2). So perhaps this is a good change.  It certainly is chemical-free, which has been a big motivator.

On the home cleaning front, I have now been making my own laundry detergent since summer (Borax, washing soda and a bar of laundry soap ground up in my food processor), have found a decent “natural” stain remover, and have been cleaning with natural products around the house (mostly white vinegar, baking soda and/or borax).  The most difficult to replicate has been dishwasher detergent, but I have found a great detergent at my local health food store that cleans as well as the liquid brand name stuff, only no phosphates and other concerning chemicals.  My rinse aid is white vinegar. The other home-made product that I have used successful for a couple of years is a shower cleaner of water, hydrogen peroxide and tree tea oil... my shower curtain is still stain-free after two years. Of which, I’ll mention that tea tree oil is a natural disinfectant.

As I review what I have written today, I think that I am not just being, but have come to some new ways of being.  Definitely welcome changes in my life.

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  I thought it would be a good time to reflect on giving thanks and gratitude. I could write about what I am grateful for and give thanks to all those who surround me and do wonderful things to enlighten my life or in giving acts of kindness that are unexpected.  All of these are truths in my life and very much appreciated.  What I have noticed is the process of giving thanks, and what it can do for me. 

There is something about gratitude that creates space.  I was attending the process of a friend who gave a simple blessing for food prior to eating a quick lunch with me.  I was not “brought up” saying grace, nor has religion played a significant role in my life; however I found that her few words allowed for reflection to be more mindful about the food we were about to share and it seemed to create a greater appreciation for the food. Slowing down to take that moment for a few words rather than jumping into the meal made all the difference. The meal then became a more mindful experience to savour rather than just eating for sustenance.  I can see how taking those little steps to encourage being aware can shift how a simple thing as a meal can be appreciated.

I have found that looking through the lens of gratitude; I can find something to be positive about in the most difficult situations.  It doesn’t negate the pain of a difficult situation; however, it can start shifting how I view the situation, and perhaps make it less stressful.  I notice when I can find gratitude, it creates the space to breathe and I start freeing myself from the negativity that is often pervasive in difficult times. I think gratitude allows a positive “spin” to occur and a shift can start. It can bring light into the dark.

Enjoying Life's Bounties

I have started really enjoying all that summer offers.  This started last week with a visit to my dad’s best friend’s cottage with my folks; a place I went to every year as a child but have not been in many years.  It was wonderful.  My son got to swim, fish and paddleboat around.  I relaxed, took lots of pictures and sketched.  We ate too much food and really enjoyed ourselves and each other’s company.

  

The farmer’s markets are something else I enjoy.  This week I bought freshly baked multigrain bread and have been eating it with beefsteak tomatoes from my mom-in-law’s garden.

My fav tomato sandwich: one slice of fresh bread, lightly toasted; spread on butter; add slices of freshly picked tomato; salt and pepper to taste. Enjoy the taste of summer in your mouth. This works especially well when I am mindfully eating my sandwich.

Also, my little box garden is starting to produce. I’ve had strawberries throughout the summer (only a few berries a week). Now I have some tiny tomatoes turning red.  The first ones came last week.  I can also see I need to “mound” the potatoes and the cucumbers are still flowering, hopefully they well develop.  Clearly I had a bit of a late start on planting and my plants have really struggled with the hot July and the lack of watering (because every third week I was at my parents and my garden became neglected). Nonetheless, I’m excited to have some of our own produce.

using insomnia

I don't usually have insomnia.  I usually sleep soundly. My greatest bad habit of sleep is staying up too late, but not usually this late (my computer time says 2:55 am). I believe this is the result of the steroid I am on to help counteract the side effects of the new drug that I start with chemotherapy tomorrow.  I was on a lower dose with my previous three sessions and had some insomnia issues then, and well, I took my doses by lunchtime hoping they would not affect sleep, oh well. So, I was in bed thinking and came to thinking about something to share that I found inspiring in my week. And, I might as well make use of my awake time since this new drug is likely to make me more fatigued in coming days then the last set of drugs.
Before I started my chemotherapy treatments, I became aware of an expressive arts class.  I loved the previous training I was in, so I decided to sign up for it. Also, I signed up for the class choosing to make it a cancer-free zone.  At this point my classmates do not know that I have been going through cancer treatments, only the facilitator; the new people, as I knew someone from the previous course, don't even know that I am widowed.  I think it was a good choice, as I got to be me in just my essence. Maybe they will know in future; I plan to share my art and writing from my journey in some sort of art show for friends, family, collegues - so hopefully as my classmates who have been part of this healing process will be part of my sharing process too.
This past week was the last class. We played with words and did some activities to close our 10 sessions of creating/play/art with each other. I'd like to share the art that was done, for me, from this class. Towards the mid-way point of the class we were asked to take a sheet of paper and write our name on it. Then the other class members were encouraged to write words/draw on it with their reflections about me. (We did this for each class member simultaneously in about 20 minutes). After the pages were filled, we took them to our seating area and randomly chose a page. The group used low-skill percussive instruments to make a song with the words they saw on the page.  It was awing, beautiful and a bit embarrassing - I guess I need to work on owning my gifts. Here is the visual results of our final class (thanks classmates for your words and art - the only thing of mine is my name).

... and yes that is a 5 lb. weight hold the end of the page from rolling.