Summery Shifts

Today I'm pondering shifts.  I'm thinking of either merging my blog with my website or at least changing the byline on my blog.  I think I am at a point where despite the significant events of widowhood and becoming a cancer patient which have dominated my life, they are not all there is to me.  Further, I've been finding as I heal I want to shift the focus from "the problems" to just perspectives on life.  Certainly my experiences with cancer and widowhood inform my perspective, but I don't think I want them to take a leading role, per se.

The other factor influencing me is time.  I love writing, doing art, playing piano. I also love spending time with friends and family, which will likely fill much of my time into August. So with that in mind, I hope anyone reading this experiencing summer is enjoying the hot weather and finding many summery activities to be engaged in.

I'll share an unusal summer activity I found to do this week: play a piano in a park.  In Toronto, there is a promotion for the Pan Am Games and there are 41 pianos placed around the city for the public to just play.  What a delight to see a piano in nature and then the trepidation to play as I am terrible at memorizing any piece in its entirety.

Be tuned in, I may be doing a book review or two on the site before the end of summer.

Another noted change

Today it is a glorious day outside. Warm for winter, the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.  There seems to be an edge of spring in the air and I’ve enjoyed the freshness when I was outside.  Today is also my birthday, Happy Birthday to me J  I have noted that I have made changes in how I perceive my world.  I suppose this is one of the changes of having a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment.  I believe that in past, my birthday would be a day to reflect and do something special for myself, which I have done today thus far.  But how I would do things for myself has changed.  In past, I would want to spend time with family and friends (check, that remains), and I would try and do something indulgent and take a break.

Today my indulgence is having a day free of arguments with my son (i.e. to not nag about his dawdling, mess-making etc.), to go to the restorative yoga class I’ve been attending, to spend some time writing and painting, take my son to his ski lesson and have dinner with my family at my aunt’s house.  My meals I have chosen to be more health focused. The past couple days had already kicked off the birthday celebrations and I was feeling heavy and not as energetic, so this morning I chose to juice (beet, carrot, swiss chard and apple) with a slice of banana bread for my breakfast and have a smoothie filled with sprouts and fruit for lunch. In past as indulgence I would celebrate by eating rich foods with abandon and not care how it was going to impact me. In past I would take a break by skipping yoga class and being more of a physical “vegetable” that day.  I think my mentality was I was taking a break from those activities to give myself a treat.  Now I see eating energy rich foods and giving my body more stuff to fuel its good health is celebrating me in the best way I can.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year” goes the popular Christmas pop song. I actually really like Christmas.  Perhaps it is the good reason to bake and indulge with special foods. Of course the gatherings with friends and family are enjoyed, but I am aware this can cause a lot of stress: to make those now expected cookies, to buy the perfect gift, to create time to fit in everyone. So much of this is socially constructed and idealized.   And, in my head there is often the desire to choose the perfect gift (as a result I gain delight and gratitude of the recipient), sit by the perfectly decorated tree, to create the perfect Christmas get-togethers and meals. I realize this is not only for Christmas.  I’ve been feeding the ideal of perfectionism in my life for a long time.  Somewhere, probably when I was quite young, I assumed I would meet someone who I could love, marry, have a child and live happily ever after (or live a “normal” life where there are no major tragedies).

There is this sense of entitlement, rightly or wrongly, that my life should be content. Even after experiencing so much in so few years, I have often half-heartly joked I should now be free of any further misfortunate – like a get out of jail free card for the rest of my  (hopefully) many years. But is this realistic?  Would I be living and appreciating life in the way I do now if I did not experience hardship?  Or perhaps what appears as misfortune has actually provided me with something I needed and I wouldn’t have otherwise.  If I imagine a life where my husband did not die and I did not have a breast cancer diagnosis, I suppose I would have been engaged in family life and work and little else.  With my husband’s death, I turned to art and started exploring art which provided a much needed salve on my emotional pain. With my own cancer diagnosis, I have had more space to process my husband’s death, I’ve explored writing and art further, I have been more available for my son.  All of these are benefits beyond the obvious losses.
I suppose this is my argument against believing I need to create perfection - which I continue to wean myself off. Even through things appear negative, that perhaps they are good.  Perhaps I wouldn’t know such joy if I didn’t know such despair.  Perhaps all is perfect just the way it is.

The value of friendship

I’ve been thinking about the value of friendship. On the weekend, there was a gathering of friends who haven’t sat as a group in about 3 years.  I’ve had a fair bit of support from this group of friends as individuals, but for whatever reasons we haven’t meet as a group. There is something that happens with good friends. There is synergy of ideas in conversation, there is lively discussion and sometimes challenging ideas.  We share our lived experiences and hopes and joys.  The value of this kind of friendship is irreplaceable. And, in times, like I have experienced in the past few years, it is these friendships that keep me buoyant in many ways. I am certainly blessed to have so many close friends whom I have this sort of relationship with.

On a special side note, I had my first mammogram since treatment and just got the results: everything is completely clear.  Obviously I am very happy to find this out and I can feel a lightness of the relief that goes with having a clear mammogram.

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  I thought it would be a good time to reflect on giving thanks and gratitude. I could write about what I am grateful for and give thanks to all those who surround me and do wonderful things to enlighten my life or in giving acts of kindness that are unexpected.  All of these are truths in my life and very much appreciated.  What I have noticed is the process of giving thanks, and what it can do for me. 

There is something about gratitude that creates space.  I was attending the process of a friend who gave a simple blessing for food prior to eating a quick lunch with me.  I was not “brought up” saying grace, nor has religion played a significant role in my life; however I found that her few words allowed for reflection to be more mindful about the food we were about to share and it seemed to create a greater appreciation for the food. Slowing down to take that moment for a few words rather than jumping into the meal made all the difference. The meal then became a more mindful experience to savour rather than just eating for sustenance.  I can see how taking those little steps to encourage being aware can shift how a simple thing as a meal can be appreciated.

I have found that looking through the lens of gratitude; I can find something to be positive about in the most difficult situations.  It doesn’t negate the pain of a difficult situation; however, it can start shifting how I view the situation, and perhaps make it less stressful.  I notice when I can find gratitude, it creates the space to breathe and I start freeing myself from the negativity that is often pervasive in difficult times. I think gratitude allows a positive “spin” to occur and a shift can start. It can bring light into the dark.