flash mob

The past few months I have been really engaging life and all it has to offer. Part of this is seeking out new experiences and things that I can be passionate about.  To these ends, last month I decided, with three other friends, to participate in a flash mob. It was totally invigorating to participate, and I'd highly recommend it to others.
Here's a video link to the flash mob that I was part of with my friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtJvloirAlo

Shifting Awareness

It has been awhile since I have posted anything.  I think this is because I have been working away at trying to figure out how I want to return to life post-treatment, what I want to create in my life for my life. I realize there are many things I want to shift in some way or change.  In part, this is a lifestyle change, but this is also related to how I perceive my health and wanting to ensure that any changes I make are going to create something better for myself and my son.

One of the changes I'm planning is this blog.  The focus for so long has been on my journey of widowhood and cancer treatment.  I plan to shift the focus to be reflective about what enriches my life and what brings me joy.  I hope that what I may share can be a source of inspiration for readers.

To start this new approach, I'll share on of my favourite quotes by buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn from his book No Death, No Fear:



"After one in- and out-breath we  have already become a different person."

On survivorship

While walking this morning I realized I actually have too many thoughts on which I want to write about.  I think this is because I set aside less time to write and I have been engaging life more.  I look at this as good.  The main theme of my many thoughts is around holding the space of survivorship, or recovery post cancer treatment.

When I was first diagnosed, I had a wise person say to me, "You are just taking a walk beside cancer for a short while, don't let it take over your life." This is so true.  I know in the depths of treatment last summer I felt like all my decisions and ways of being were influenced by my health issues.  As the lengthy treatment became less demanding I started focusing on more of what I want.  Now that treatment is basically done (except Tamoxifen which I am to be on for 5 years) I am really trying to re-engage life.  I am starting to part ways with cancer, but the disengagement is slow.  I think this is what survivorship is.  The struggle between re-engaging life and disengaging the "walk with cancer" as cancer (treatment) tends to have such a strong presence.

Somehow, I thought, despite seeing several family members' struggles with cancer treatment, that after I finished the bulk of treatment I would somehow be at a better energy level by now.  I thought that I could just jump right into my old life somehow, but it doesn't work that way.  Somehow while walking with cancer I ended up on a different path.  Not entirely different from before, but the path changed.  I look at how I spend my time differently, I look at my health differently, I want to shift the work I do to use the knowledges I have gained in the past few years to help others.  These are changes for sure.  I hope they are better changes that will create an even more enriching and balanced life.

The other thing about survivorship is that I look "great" according to people around me and "you would never know that you are a cancer survivor".   Somehow this lends itself to thinking that it is time to get right back to where one left off prior to diagnosis.  But it's not that easy.  Take this past fun and enjoyable weekend. There was a pool birthday party; time with my folks; taking in Buskerfest; learning to make home-made gnocchi with my mom-in-law; meals with friends and family, so I didn't even cook, I just drove my son and myself around to the various outings. I know I slept solidly each night; and many friends would say anyone would be tired after so much activity. But honestly, I know I am exhausted today and likely going to sleep for a good portion of today.  It's a tricky balance.  I want to live life fully and offer a lot of variety and richness to my son's life; and then there is what I notice I can handle... and likely the responsibility of work, as I know the return will come soon, is really going to challenge the balance I want.

I suspect many cancer survivors feel this way.  I know in early summer, of the other women I met through the Rethink Breast Cancer group, three of the women went back to work early for various reasons.  I know all three reported they should have taken their time to go back and not rush into things.  I am trying to heed this advice and not worry about the return to work, nor overthink things.  I know there are changes I want to make as I re-engage in life and I think about my work life quite a bit.  However I know I should not rush things.  This is again, one of the challenges of survivorship, how to pace oneself and give yourself permission to take your time. Just because I envisioned myself having better energy and being more fully back into the activities I immerse myself in, does not mean I need to be there.  More importantly I am trying to be in the moment: not to overthink the future nor dwell in the past. 

More Art & Art for Cancer Foundation

I meant to post this entry a couple of weeks ago, I think because I meant to add photots of my art from the workshop and forgot about, so here it is.

The other week I participated in another Art for Cancer Foundation (www.artforcancerfoundation.org) workshop.  This one was using watercolours.  However it was using watercolour crayons and these are really intense wet-on-wet watercolour paints that I had never encountered before.  I've only used the watercolour pucks in past.  The results I think are quite amazing, although I think I need more technique to get used to the movement of the paint with water and to be cautious about over saturating the colour. Nonetheless, lots of fun.  And, another perk of the workshop was seeing a few participants that I've met before.  It is nice to reconnect while doing art.
Another Art for Cancer event is their upcoming Gala in the end of October and then they will be releasing a book that documents the City Hall exhibit that I was part of. Here's a preview:  http://artforcancerfoundation.org/upcoming-events/toronto-city-hall-event/the-book/

One of the things I've realized with meeting other patients at some recent Art for Cancer events is the uniqueness of the recovery stage past treatment; whether considered "without evidence of disease" or continuing to live with disease and perhaps even run out of treatment options.  I find when I meet other people who have recently completed treatment there are definitely shared experiences.  It is reassuring to meet other who are just as sensitive about what they injest. To start understanding the "new normal" that has arisen.  To understand how the fatigue and continue for months, and sometimes years after treatment.  That somehow the experiences of cancer and its treatment creates some similar shared perspective on life: to not sweat the small stuff; to really be focused on creating meaningful existences; and be mindful to take care of our fragile yet resilient bodies.

The watercolours:

 

book review: Meals that Heal Inflammation

Today I’m doing something a little different on the blog.  I decided to participate in Hay House’s offer to send a free book if I review it on my blog.  I thought that was a pretty good deal.   I chose Meals that Heal Inflammation as I am always looking for new ideas and more information about food and how it relates to health.  This book in particular piqued my interest as cancer is known to be related to inflammatory conditions in the body.  Further, since treatment, I have found that I have had joint issues and it looks like arthritis is developing; and of course arthritis is an inflammatory condition too.

Meals that Heal Inflammation (http://www.amazon.com/Meals-That-Heal-Inflammation-Eliminate/dp/140194034X/) is a thoughtfully written book.  I appreciate how it is organized with easy to find information that is recapped and referenced.  I have tried out a number of different diets since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I certainly think the ideas behind the book are helpful.  Author Julie Daniluk states that there is no right diet for anyone, everyone is unique. What Julie provides is a method to figure out what your own food sensitivities are.  She covers the various reasons why inflammation may occur and addresses lifestyle aspects that can help reduce the impact of inflammation.  The book has point form summaries of each chapter and the layout is easy to read and easy to find information.  There are quizzes and easy tables to quickly assess your needs.  Then, Julie provides a plan to slowly remove foods from your diet that are likely culprits of inflammation – whether allergen based or a health condition.  Also, given the wide variety of sensitivities people have, Julie includes practical suggestions to accommodate, say a soy based sensitivity/allergy so recipes can be altered to individual needs.

I tried out some of the 120 recipes that are included in this book.  I think the recipes fared well.  My four year old son liked the pesto (cheese and nut free) and the African Nut Butter Stew. The Dijon chicken recipe didn’t fare as well with my son, but my parents both liked it.  The only one I tried and didn’t get feedback on is the best carrot cake ever which I brought to friends but we didn’t get to eating it; however I’m looking forward to trying out the recipe again soon along with many more of the recipes. It can be hard to come across good recipes that are dairy, wheat, gluten and nightshade vegetable free; all of the recipes fit these criteria. What a delight.

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for review purposes.  The opinions are completely my own based on my own perspectives.

Summery Shifts

Today I'm pondering shifts.  I'm thinking of either merging my blog with my website or at least changing the byline on my blog.  I think I am at a point where despite the significant events of widowhood and becoming a cancer patient which have dominated my life, they are not all there is to me.  Further, I've been finding as I heal I want to shift the focus from "the problems" to just perspectives on life.  Certainly my experiences with cancer and widowhood inform my perspective, but I don't think I want them to take a leading role, per se.

The other factor influencing me is time.  I love writing, doing art, playing piano. I also love spending time with friends and family, which will likely fill much of my time into August. So with that in mind, I hope anyone reading this experiencing summer is enjoying the hot weather and finding many summery activities to be engaged in.

I'll share an unusal summer activity I found to do this week: play a piano in a park.  In Toronto, there is a promotion for the Pan Am Games and there are 41 pianos placed around the city for the public to just play.  What a delight to see a piano in nature and then the trepidation to play as I am terrible at memorizing any piece in its entirety.

Be tuned in, I may be doing a book review or two on the site before the end of summer.

More Art

I wanted to share the results of my terrific experience participating in Art for Cancer Foundation's trial 5 week workshop. The workshop was great on so many levels.  I learned new techniques and got to experiment.  The art is so engaging for me that I don't think about anything else, except creating art.  I met interesting people, perhaps it says something about the people who would seek out this kind of support during thier cancer journey.  One of the neat things is that we don't formally talk about cancer and since it isn't the focus, there is a break from the constant focus that being a cancer patient demands.  Likewise for those who are actively engaged in treatment, there is no explanation needed for all the side effects.  Everyone present has been engaged in a similar process on some level, so no explanation needed.

Here's my art from the 5 sessions:

untitled: pastels

Sunflower & Butterfly: ink, acrylic, gesso

Picked: tissue paper, napkin paper, fiber, acrylic, ink

Golden Hills: gesso texture, sand, acrylic and metallic glaze

the screening dilemma resolved: tissue paper, newspaper, gesso texture, acrylic, glaze

Poem

I thought I would share a poem I wrote about a week or so ago.

Crossing the Finish Line

The super sticky
white
steristrips
are looking dog-earred
and grey
day by day
one falling off here
another there.

The last reminants
of the year long
cancer treatments
that ravaged
my body
and wearied
my brain.

Avenging the reckless
little tumor that
decided to try
and make a home
in my left breast.

In addition to the poem, I'll share what happened a few days ago when I did take the last of the steristrips off.  I took them off at night before bed.  The next morning my son came into my room and that was the first thing he notice: "Momma, you don't have any band-aids!  Momma, that means we can tussle" (play fight). I affirmed, this is true.  Then my son said, "Momma, we need to celebrate.  We need to make chocolate pancakes." So we did.

Focusing on the Future

It is amazing how time can slip away.  It has been awhile it seems since I have written.  Somehow doing a little getaway with a friend for a few days and then having busy filled weekends and catching up on all the things I didn’t do while away. And of course the really amazing spring weather has lead to me being outside enjoying the unusually warm weather over being inside... somehow then I didn’t gather enough time to write.  Or perhaps there was not much really to expound upon.  I did take time to paint, of course. 

One thing I am aware of is the desire to move to a different space in my life. I feel, even though I am still processing all that has occurred in the past few years, I am noticing that I am starting to be more disengaged with the constant internal reflection that has been so actively engaging.  I guess on some level I recognize that I need to focus more on the future and put more energy towards developing my future.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the blog, but perhaps, right now I’m not going to be writing as frequently.  Really, perhaps not surprising given my entries have been less frequent in the past few months.

Another place to see what I’m up to is my website: www.abelcreation.com
Hopefully I’ll update with some new art soon.

a creative writing exercise

I just came across a neat creative exercise by Janet Ruffin http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2012/02/thrown-poems-shock-the-mind.html#more through the Ultrasounds blog (www.ultra-sounds.org). I just love this exercise, so I'm sharing it with everyone.
Choose a book, flip to a random page, randomly choose 3 words and 3 phrases; flip to another page and repeat; work the words until you have poem that emerges.
Here's mine:
From the four directions of the circle
Trust all responses are subjective.
Seriously, let feelings unfold
Coherence will emerge
Perspective will be convincingly intimate
Write, paint, sing!
Something essential that cannot be sacrificed.

Always more to learn

Today I started attending a group run by Rethink Breast cancer (www.rethinkbreastcancer.com).  I thought it would be good to have a place to meet other women/mothers who are in a similar situation.  After the first session, definitely good.  I'll be looking forward to it and my son, I think, enjoyed the children's group.
As gathering with any group of people there can be new things learned. One thing, in this group of women, there seemed to be the startling prevalence of breast cancer development while nursing; and subsequent misdiagnosis because of nursing, thus putting these particular women at further risk becasue their tumors were growing quite large at alarming rates prior to being properly diagnosed.  I know this was not the whole group's experience, and perhaps this group of women is not representative of younger women with breast cancer (although I suspect it is), but it was a theme that occurred a few times and seemed to sit with me.  Again I feel lucky that I have doctors who listened to me and were active in referring me to the high risk screening program. Again, I think that it is so important to listen to you body and be a strong advocate for yourself.

I also heard many stories that reflected my experience of treatment and the feelings of isolation as typically one's friends are not going through cancer treatment with you and although fully supportive and empathetic, it can be hard to feel others truly understand at times.  One of the neat things out of today's group was finding out about a website that is a platform for organizing volunteers, www.lotsahelpinghands.com. This site is designed to enter the e-mails for your support community and to list the tasks that you need support with.  I sure wished I knew of this site when I was first diagnosed as I had many offers to help and it would have been a way to organize them rather than just calling people ad hoc or relying on accepting whatever was being offered in the moment.

Writing of this great support through Rethink and of the new site I learned of today, reminds me of another great support, ART for Cancer Foundation, which is hosting two watercolour workshops in the next couple of weeks.  If you are in the Toronto area and interested, check out http://artforcancerfoundation.org/programs/
By the way, for people following my blog, the art exhibit through ART for Cancer Foundation went well. Here's my art on display:

The written blurb included with the art is as follows:

Somehow I came to the most unexpected, rough patch on the bumpy road of life. As a clinical social worker I thought myself fairly well resourced, but even the well resourced need to have their outlets.  Painting became mine.

My paintings reflect different points in my healing journey. I started to engage visual art during studio time while taking an Expressive Art Therapy training.  The smaller painting, Dead or Alive (oil on canvas, 8” x 10”), is my first visual art piece I created that emerged out of a movement based class that ignited an alternative reality experience that I knew I needed to paint.  At this point, I had only been writing as a means to address the loss of my husband to cancer six months before.

By springtime, about a year after my husband’s death, I was painting more abstract. I found myself playing with colours and movement on canvas, often painting in the little windows of time in my busy, hectic life.  The larger painting I call Gestation (acrylic on canvas, 24” x 30”) was created around the time I first felt some interest in actively engaging in life again.

Just under two years after my husband’s passing, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent time trying to release anything that could be a blockage or a detriment to my health.  In a guided meditation focused on release, I had a strong visual image of the painting that became Firewoman.  I believe this was a point of emotional and spiritual transformation which I have continued to develop as I proceed through the rigours of treatment.

When I started painting, I found that I could not stop.  Even as a single parent of a small child, I felt I needed to carve out time to have this mode of self-expression. Painting became a means of expressing what could not be expressed by words: an elixir to release the complicated emotions inside and a salve to the pain I was carrying within.

I thought I would share.  If you are interested in seeing more of my artwork, please check out my website, www.abelcreation.com

Another noted change

Today it is a glorious day outside. Warm for winter, the sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.  There seems to be an edge of spring in the air and I’ve enjoyed the freshness when I was outside.  Today is also my birthday, Happy Birthday to me J  I have noted that I have made changes in how I perceive my world.  I suppose this is one of the changes of having a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment.  I believe that in past, my birthday would be a day to reflect and do something special for myself, which I have done today thus far.  But how I would do things for myself has changed.  In past, I would want to spend time with family and friends (check, that remains), and I would try and do something indulgent and take a break.

Today my indulgence is having a day free of arguments with my son (i.e. to not nag about his dawdling, mess-making etc.), to go to the restorative yoga class I’ve been attending, to spend some time writing and painting, take my son to his ski lesson and have dinner with my family at my aunt’s house.  My meals I have chosen to be more health focused. The past couple days had already kicked off the birthday celebrations and I was feeling heavy and not as energetic, so this morning I chose to juice (beet, carrot, swiss chard and apple) with a slice of banana bread for my breakfast and have a smoothie filled with sprouts and fruit for lunch. In past as indulgence I would celebrate by eating rich foods with abandon and not care how it was going to impact me. In past I would take a break by skipping yoga class and being more of a physical “vegetable” that day.  I think my mentality was I was taking a break from those activities to give myself a treat.  Now I see eating energy rich foods and giving my body more stuff to fuel its good health is celebrating me in the best way I can.

Art for Cancer Workshop

This past Monday I took part in a workshop by Art For Cancer (www.artforcancerfoundation.org).  It was definitely a great way to meet other cancer survivors/patients/warriors (as one participant described herself). One of the interesting things was most of the participants I talked to thought they were in pretty good shape and we each felt blessed. I even met others who have lost loved ones to cancer when they were younger.  It was reassuring in a way to meet them and know that one does have a life after such tragedy.

The workshop consisted of learning some basic painting techniques, a meditation and gaining a piece of art by the end. I got to work with a palette knife for the first time.  I wished there was more time or more of an ongoing class than a workshop for a few hours. Here is my piece of art from the workshop:

I’ll soon be writing more about Art for Cancer as I’ll be part of the Art for Cancer Foundation art exhibit at Toronto City Hall Rotunda from Feb 17 – 24, 2012.  Here’s a trailer to the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiCN6avKrl8&feature=player_embedded&noredirect=1

If you are interested, the art show is in a public space, so you can come by to check it out any time if you are in the Toronto vicinity.  And, also if in the Toronto area and you would like to be present for the opening night and silent auction to support Art For Cancer and future workshops, please contact me and I will e-mail you the e-vite

Just Being Home-made

The past couple of weeks my days have been full.  I find I have been spending a lot of time just being.  That doesn’t mean that I am in a permanent state of meditation, nor am I glued to the television watching daytime talk shows (although that has occurred a few times after overextending myself).

I decided to really embrace the acts of creativity that I used to relish.  This wave of creativity started with deciding to make my son’s Halloween costume, then making home-made Christmas cards and home-made birthday cards.  I am pondering some Christmas gifts that are home-made too.

On the thought of home-made, I recently, successfully, made my own yogurt.  I have been exploring various natural/low chemical cleaning options for my home and for my self care.  Recently I tried a yogurt, witch hazel, oatmeal cleanser and another moisturizer/make up remover consisting of grapeseed oil, betacarotene tablets and lavender essential oil.  Interestingly enough, friends have recently commented on my skin looking great. (recipes found through the Marilyn Denis show http://www.marilyn.ca/Beauty/Segment.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_21_2011/FallSkin2). So perhaps this is a good change.  It certainly is chemical-free, which has been a big motivator.

On the home cleaning front, I have now been making my own laundry detergent since summer (Borax, washing soda and a bar of laundry soap ground up in my food processor), have found a decent “natural” stain remover, and have been cleaning with natural products around the house (mostly white vinegar, baking soda and/or borax).  The most difficult to replicate has been dishwasher detergent, but I have found a great detergent at my local health food store that cleans as well as the liquid brand name stuff, only no phosphates and other concerning chemicals.  My rinse aid is white vinegar. The other home-made product that I have used successful for a couple of years is a shower cleaner of water, hydrogen peroxide and tree tea oil... my shower curtain is still stain-free after two years. Of which, I’ll mention that tea tree oil is a natural disinfectant.

As I review what I have written today, I think that I am not just being, but have come to some new ways of being.  Definitely welcome changes in my life.

Kindness

It seems kindness has highlighted my past few days.

On Friday I watched the documentary Finding Kindness. This is a movie exploring the “mean girl” phenomena.  The beginning of the movie says something along the lines of a woman can "stab" with a look, she doesn't need a knife. I think all women know exactly what this look is. The Finding Kindness movie is examining how most, if not all females have experienced some sort of bullying, emotional abuse, “in/out” behaviour  (gossip, rumours) or some sort of emotional daggers by other females at some point. Further, Finding Kindness suggests rather than trying to deconstruct the complex web that reinforces this mistreatment of each other, that we could all make change by embracing being kind.  More about this may be found at www.kindcampaign.com

Really, kindness and promoting kindness is not just for shifting girls’ behaviour, kindness can shift one’s inner world. If we all strive for kindness there can be changes in our outer world. Today I went to a Buddhist temple with a few other friends for meditation and prayers for world peace. The nun leading the proceedings spoke on kindness and how kindness is relational and the basis of the qualities of love, compassion and joy.

When I reflect on how kindness has played in my life, I think kindness has helped me survive in these complicated times in my life.  Kindness of others has provided the support throughout these tough times. Kindness to myself has allowed me to have ease and relinquish the perfectionism that guided the (perhaps misguided) vision for my life prior to all the chaos; kindness has deepen love in my life; kindness and understanding has extinguished fires that created tensions in relationships.  I’m sure I could create a longer list, but I think my point is clear, that kindness has been part of the underpinning of my survival.  Finding kindness in everyday activities to be grateful about and being mindful of creating my own acts of kindness daily makes all the difference.

My wish is that each of us can find kindness each day.

All in the Timing

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. With Halloween, I spent a large number of hours making a dragon costume for my son.  It looked great and I think he had a lot of fun, and now has lots of candy in his trick-or-treat pumpkin.  There have been a lot of social activities and a spattering of medical/paramedical appointments. Pacing my days seems to be a challenge.  I think I have planned/managed my time, but then again, I find I have over extended myself.

I decided to visit a friend out of town, deliberately planning to drive in the mornings as I have more energy then and could rest with my son during his afternoon nap time (thankfully he still naps). I didn’t realize how tired I would feel after the few days away.  I found that after I was exhausted for days.  Ultimately I have figured out at this point in time I can’t really handle more than one appointment, event or activity per day, and I still need a two hour nap.

I’ve been looking at my energy like a glass of water.  Every day that I have a decent night’s rest I start with a full glass. Sometimes I don’t start with a full glass because my son has woken up in the middle of the night or I have a busy brain and have not settled down to sleep as well as I could. Each activity uses some of the water in the glass until it is almost empty and then my nap is a refill.  This analogy has been used with as a candy jar on the Livestrong/Oncolink Care Plan website. Even though I have started to do a little jog or exercise, this does not re-energize me as before, it takes a certain amount of energy and has to be weighed carefully as every other activity.  Over-extending myself may initially result in an abundance of fun and enjoyment of activities and outings I love to do, but then I need to set aside time the following days to recoup afterwards.

This is the most obvious change since treatment.  It is strange, but really the treatments have changed my body in many ways.  And, I don’t know if it will be permanent or passing.  Recently I noticed I bruise, cut easily, my veins are more difficult to access with needles, in general, my body’s been delicate since treatments. This creates a whole new level of needing to be cautious.  I may feel I can just go back to activities the way I would prior to the cancer treatments, but I am finding this s not so.  There are the obvious results of cancer treatment (the hair loss including lashes and brows – now growing in quite well), the side-effects from treatments and so forth, but there seems to be a whole layer of subtle changes that doctors don’t really share (especially before one embarks on these intense treatments) that can exist months, possible years or permanently after treatment. Like my finger tips and toes remain numb and that should clear up within the year, but may not. Then there are the drugs that probably cause infertility, which many younger woman arrange to have eggs harvested and frozen so they can try from pregnancy later, even though pregnancy later in life is a risk factor to breast cancer.

What all this musing leads to is again, relating to being present in the moment.  Can I live fully in the moment not comparing to what I was able to do prior to treatment?  Can I build myself up to be even healthier, with stress better managed, being in the moment.  Truly, as Thich Nhat Hahn writes ”with every in breath and every out breath we each are different.” In a moment, our world can be different, sometime greatly: for example with my husband’s last breath, my, and my family’s worlds were changed dramatically; or minimally: with the breath I breathe in this moment, I am digesting my breakfast and something changes within my body, although, perhaps undetectable by me. I hope in being in the moment, I can stop looking at what was, or how my body was, and start being what I need today.

I Did It!

This morning I completed my second jog.  Yesterday was my first. My Dad called me up early in the morning and said, “Do you want to go out for a run?” He then proceeded to say, “We can come over there before we go bowling.” Mom and Dad go bowling with friends most Sunday mornings. And I agreed. So I did a mini run with my dad, a good first run.  Today I kept myself motivated and ran again, this time a little further and took a break at my favourite meditation spot by the lake (yes I meditated too). All very good: because it is good for me to start becoming more active; I noticed that I came back with energy and motivation to tackle my growing to-do list; most importantly, because I have read that breast cancer reoccurrence can be reduced anywhere for 40% - 70% simply by regular aerobic activity for about a half hour per day. Most recently I read 50% in Prevention magazine. 

Highly motivating, or it should be. Some days it is hard to be motivated. Even yesterday after my little run, my son and I decided to go bowling with my folks and to have lunch with their friends. After I was exhausted, so even though I am picking up in activity and energy, I still need to pace myself and plan for when my energy level crashes. I am wary about what running may be like once snow starts to fly and ice starts covering the pathways and sidewalks.  I think this is where my Dad and a couple of other friends who are experienced runners will become great supports, either in running with me or by giving me tips to endure the elements better.

The other piece that somewhat comes to play is the envy and self-pity of dealing illness. This morning, as I ran from my son’s daycare to the lake, then back up to my home, I pass by a main street with a MacDonald’s (which, by the way I haven’t had anything from MacDonald’s in years, likely almost a decade). As I jog by there is someone entering the parking lot, by car, smoking and going to the drive-thru. I have the self-righteous thought of how can people not care about their bodies like that! Then there is the thought of how can people just do that and not have these (health) problems? Then I remind myself that I don’t know what their life is and their struggles. I also remind myself that perhaps my body is just more sensitive and I need to do my best to take care of it; others will make their own decisions.

Most importantly, I went for my second run for the second day in a row. I know this is a good step for me and all I need to do is make it a habit (takes about a month for form a new habit or break a habit, as I recall from my counselling work). Off and running for now J.

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  I thought it would be a good time to reflect on giving thanks and gratitude. I could write about what I am grateful for and give thanks to all those who surround me and do wonderful things to enlighten my life or in giving acts of kindness that are unexpected.  All of these are truths in my life and very much appreciated.  What I have noticed is the process of giving thanks, and what it can do for me. 

There is something about gratitude that creates space.  I was attending the process of a friend who gave a simple blessing for food prior to eating a quick lunch with me.  I was not “brought up” saying grace, nor has religion played a significant role in my life; however I found that her few words allowed for reflection to be more mindful about the food we were about to share and it seemed to create a greater appreciation for the food. Slowing down to take that moment for a few words rather than jumping into the meal made all the difference. The meal then became a more mindful experience to savour rather than just eating for sustenance.  I can see how taking those little steps to encourage being aware can shift how a simple thing as a meal can be appreciated.

I have found that looking through the lens of gratitude; I can find something to be positive about in the most difficult situations.  It doesn’t negate the pain of a difficult situation; however, it can start shifting how I view the situation, and perhaps make it less stressful.  I notice when I can find gratitude, it creates the space to breathe and I start freeing myself from the negativity that is often pervasive in difficult times. I think gratitude allows a positive “spin” to occur and a shift can start. It can bring light into the dark.

I'm not fighting, I'm living

Another blog, by another breast cancer survivor, that I occasionally read has made the point that one does not fight cancer, rather, one treats cancer and the treatments work (or not) to varying degrees. Further, cancerous cells always exist in our bodies; they are simply our regular cells that have not responded to the natural "die" functions that our body gives. It is our body's natural abilities to stop unnatural cell growth that prevents tumors from developing and us being diagnosed with cancer. Beyond this, if one dies of cancer, it is implied that they didn't give a good enough fight.  Fighting cancer is like saying I am fighting my own body. I tend to think I am attempting to engage my body/soul/self in it's best way of being; no matter what the outcome (although I feel unprepared to check out of life at this point and I know the timing is not my choosing) I am living my life the fullest I can. Rather than hijack someone else's blog, I'd like to share the article that she included in her blog about Jack Layton and cancer from the Globe & Mail by Carly Weeks : http://m.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/?service=mobile

The day that music died

Although a line from the song 'American Pie'; somewhere before my husband actually died, I stopped playing piano. Further, I stopped loving music and no longer listened/paid attention to music. For the non-music lover, this may not be so remarkable. However I love music. 

Music is in my soul.  I breathed music as a teen, having music accompany me for every waking hour of my day – and I still can name songs I liked within a couple of notes and can sing the lyrics all these years later. I took years of piano lessons, learned to play recorder then flute in school. It was my refuge for expressing emotion for many years. As an adult I would relax from a trying day by playing familiar pieces on piano. I was teaching myself jazz to accompany one of my friends who sings. My husband and I invested in a digital piano as a joint Christmas gift one year.

So, imagine the realization that I am no longer listening to music – or liking music. Further, when I start to play piano I start crying – it hurts my heart too much.  At this point I could only listen to radio as selecting as song I liked from my vast cd collection seemed just not interesting – or more likely too painful for my ears.  I recognize now this was one of the ways I was grieving.

Slowly I started to hear new music that would appeal to me.  I think, listening primarily to CBC (the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation – public radio), I started to relate to a song – ‘Heartbroken’ by Canadian Meaghan Smith. This evolved to other songs of heartache that I started to be able to listen to, then sing.  I started to try playing my beloved piano again. Not very frequently, mind you. And teaching myself something new – I wasn’t quite ready for that.

Now, two and a half years later, I am finally able to play songs that I can tell my son; your daddy liked this piece. I am actually singing along to songs I loved at one point in my life and are full of memories.  I am finding out about new bands. I am teaching myself new pieces. And with the impetus of my uncle, I think I’m going to try and teach myself guitar (my uncle gave me his old guitar with a fingering book).

I think I can now say that music is alive. As I write that I take a deep breath and sigh, finally. In many ways my emotional life has been connected to music.  It stuns me to reflect that I have been so disconnected from music for so long.  At the same time, I believe my reconnection to music is a reflection of the healing I have done, and my emotional readiness to really engage life fully again.