Radiation & Prayer

Last week I started radiation.  It's seems like nothing in some ways yet I know the side effects are cumulative. Not relishing this may occur as I am still working through ongoing side effects from chemotherapy.  I'm trying to make this experience as positive as possible. Initially I imagined the radiation to include some visible rays of light - which it doesn't. So rather than visualizing in an imaginative way I have found myself reciting a prayer that was given to me to give to my husband when he was ill.  It goes as follows:

Divine light shine in me.

Divine life permeate and (heal) every atom of my being.

I am the resurrection of Life.

Heal is in brackets as I added that word to the original prayer.

Prayer is found in research to be associated with better outcomes in comparison to those who do not engage spiritual practise.  As many who know me, they would say I am not a religious person.  I do not engage in organized religion (as in attending church on a regular basis); however I do believe in a High Power/ the Universe/the Cosmos as having some divine direction that impacts us all and connects us all.

Let us look deeply at a wave in the ocean. It lives its life of a wave, but it lives the life of water at the same time. If the wave were able to turn toward itself and touch its substance, which is water, then it would be able to attain nonfear. The wave does not have to search for water, because water is the very substance of the wave. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, No Death, No Fear

 

As I journey on this complicated and path of my life (at this point) I continue to hold onto the thought that all will be well in the end and that I am not on this journey without some reason that will develop further growth within. I always have been a firm believer that I experience Life for further development of myself and to share myself with others for our shared growth.  Of course there is a tiny little piece of me that questions my beliefs and rages at my circumstances.  However I hope my beliefs are not for naught; as my life continues to evolve I hope it continues to reinforce my view of the Cosmos.

Shifting the View

On my last entry, I was writing about my fears and concerns with chemotherapy. Even as I wrote that entry, I knew that I needed to change my attitude to be more favourable.  I just couldn't figure out what would be a positive spin on what was about to occur.  In studies, there are indicators that the more positive the patient is, the better they respond to chemotherapy and the less side effects the experience. To me, this is a challenge to then find a way to view the chemotherapy in a positive manner before chemo starts.

I think I have finally come up with a visualization with the help of some friends.  I am thinking that the chemotherapy drugs are entering my body to find the last dregs of negativity and of ill health.  I am going to view this as a violet liquid - I've been advised violet is strongly associated with healing - and imagine this as the injection occurs.

Now I am picking up on this post the day after chemo.  All in all considering, I think it went well.  Definitely feeling nervous to go in, not knowing how the drugs may affect me and the various side effects that may arise. How did it go? Well, I think. This is what I ended up doing during chemo. I went with my parents, several people have advised me never to go alone.  We waited awhile, I think for the hospital pharmacy to mix the drugs.  I started reading my Bernie Siegel book, Love Miracles and Medicine.  I also had prepared a cd of me reading one of his visualizations.  The day before the chemo treatment I met with a woman who does hypnosis, reiki and other alternative healing who gave me a combination of flower essences that she has used with others to help manage in impact of chemotherapy. 

When I went into have the drugs injected, we were sitting by a gregarious older man and his daughter.  He had a great sense of humour and kept a lively conversation, asking why I got special treatment by the nurses (upon receiving a popsicle and blanket to help manage side effects) while he had been coming for almost a year.  I joked back it was because I was a newbie. So not as much visualization as I thought, although I did imagine the injections and drip being able to clear any remnants of disease or negativity out of my body.  If I have bad side effects, then that is just my body emptying the "yucky bits" from my body.  So far, so good, only mild nausea and tiredness.

chemotherapy

This is a hard post to write.  I think I have been avoiding the topic of chemotherapy as I know the impact on one's body can be strong.  I am daunted after meeting with the medical oncologist; I feel confident in his suggestions for treatment, but it is overwhelming.  What it boils down to is 8 different drugs, the IV ones to be administered over the course of a year.  I was not expecting the timeline to be so long.  Then there is an additional drug to be taken orally for 5 years.  Why so much? Because the tumours were very aggressive and it improves my survival rate to be almost perfect.
However this comes with a big price in how it affects my body.  I am likely to start losing my hair in the next few weeks.  I will likely have nausea and other side effects.  The drugs will likely put me into menopause (that is seen as a more favourable response), and heart difficulties can develop.  Really, this is so much to happen to my body, when I barely take a Tylenol for a headache.  It also sounds like the fatigue can be fairly intense, so I need to come up with a plan for who will care for my son (and me) if I start having severe fatigue and vomiting. I apparently also need to be vigilant about a variety of things that can create infection as my white blood cells will be significantly decreased by one of the drugs. This is plain overwhelming. I'll see how this sits in a few days.
My plan now (besides the practicalities of finding a wig before chemo starts and rallying my troops to figure out who can commit to supporting me and when): to figure out how all this can be visualized as favourable to my body rather than "these things that are just happening to my body because the research shows this improves my outcomes".  I have some distance to travel in my mind to get to the kind of imagery that I want.  I know I need to counter the feelings of dread by visualizing positivity for this process.  As I write, I was wondering if I can imagine some sort of hydroponically fed plant that will gloriously bloom from the IV feed.  I'll have to work on this one.